Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home (три старика сидят на веранде дома для престарелых). The first says (первый говорит), "Fellas (парни /небрежно/; fellow — парень), I got real problems (у меня серьезные проблемы). I'm seventy years old (мне семьдесят). Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate (каждое утро в семь часов я встаю и пытаюсь помочиться). All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps (мне дают все виды лекарств = самые разные лекарства, но ничего не помогает)."

The second (второй) old man says, "You think you have problems (ты думаешь, у тебя проблемы). I'm eighty years old (мне восемьдесят). Every morning at 8:00 (каждое утро в восемь) I get up and try to move my bowels (я встаю и пытаюсь покакать: «двинуть мои кишки»). I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps (они дают мне все типы лекарств; stuff — материал, вещество, часто употребляется в значении "все такое"; но ничего не помогает)."

Finally the third old man speaks up (наконец, третий старик заговаривает), "Fellas, I'm ninety years old (мне девяносто). Every morning at 7:00 sharp (ровно; sharp - острый; точно, ровно) I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up (просыпаюсь)."

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

I got real problems.

They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.

Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary (пара идет на ужин отметить свою пятидесятилетнюю годовщину свадьбы; anniversary [@nI'v@:(r)s(@)rI]). On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye (по дороге домой она замечает слезу в его глазу) and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together (и спрашивает, не потому ли он расчувствовался, что они отмечают 50 чудесных лет вместе).

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married (нет, я думал о времени перед тем, как мы поженились). Your father threatened me with a shotgun (твой отец угрожал мне ружьем: to shoot /shot-shot/ - стрелять + gun — ружье) and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years (и сказал, что он бросит меня в тюрьму на 50 лет /to throw-threw-thrown/) if I didn't marry you (если я не женюсь на тебе). Tomorrow I would've been a free man! (завтра я был бы свободным человеком)"

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

I was thinking about the time before we got married.