Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

"Don't count on it (не рассчитывай на это)," answered the fellow in the cell (ответил парень в камере). "I'm the groom (я жених)."

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain…"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Keep (be) quiet!

I just wanted to say…

Don't count on it.

There is an envelope (конверт; envelope ['@nvIl@up]) on the windshield (на лобовом стекле: wind — ветер + shield — щит) with a note of apology (с извинительной запиской) and two tickets to a music concert (и двумя билетами на "музыкальный концерт"). The note reads (записка гласит), "I apologize for taking your car (я извиняюсь за "взятие" = за то, что взял вашу машину), but my wife was having a baby (но моя жена начала рожать) and I had to hot-wire your ignition (мне пришлось включить ваше зажигание; hot — горячий; wire — проволока; провод) to rush her to the hospital (чтобы примчать ее в госпиталь). Please forgive the inconvenience (пожалуйста, извините за неудобство; inconvenience [Ink@n'vInIens]). Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks (здесь два билета на сегодняшний вечерний концерт Гарта Брукса), the country-and-western music star (звезду стиля кантри-и-вестерн)."

Their faith in humanity restored (/после того, как/ их вера в человечество восстановилась), the couple attends the concert (пара посещает концерт) and returns home late (и возвращается домой поздно). They find their house has been robbed (они находят, обнаруживают, что их дом был ограблен). Valuable goods have been taken (ценные вещи взяты) from throughout the house ("из всего дома"), from basement to attic (от подвала: «фундамента» до чердака). And, there is a note on the door reading (гласящая), "Well, you still have your car (ну, у вас по-прежнему = все же еще есть ваша машина). I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I? (я должен провести моего новорожденного ребенка через колледж как-нибудь, каким-либо способом, не так ли = мне же приходится думать, на какие деньги я дам образование своему ребенку)"

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert and returns home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

I apologize for taking your car.

Please forgive the inconvenience.