Asexuality: A Brief Introduction

There is no single “Asexual Experience”. We are just as varied as everyone else. There are asexual women, asexual men, and asexuals of no particular gender. There are asexuals of every race and religion. We don’t all vote the same way or watch the same TV shows. We don’t all have extra ribs or pointy ears or stretchy rubber arms or glow under a UV lamp or anything like that. There’s no secret dress code for asexuals. We don’t all have black rings on our right middle fingers, black-grey-white-purple friendship bracelets, shirts that say “This is what an asexual looks like”, or ace[2] flag bumper stickers on our cars.

It’s impossible for a single book to capture the entire world of asexuality. My goal here is not to write the Encyclopedia of Aceness, but rather to write an introduction to asexuality. My target audience is anyone who wants to learn about asexuality, whether or not you’re asexual.

Common Questions About Asexuality

What is asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation. Unlike heterosexuality, where people are sexually attracted to the opposite sex, or homosexuality, where people are sexually attracted to the same sex, asexual people are not sexually attracted to anyone. It’s not an inability to have sex, it’s not celibacy or abstinence, it’s not a temporary “dry spell”, and it’s not a fear of sex.

How do I become asexual?

Asexuality is not something you can switch on or off on a whim, asexuality is not a choice. Most asexual people will tell you that they’ve always been this way and that they’ve never known anything different. You can’t become asexual any more than you can turn yourself gay or straight. Asexuality does not mean “not having sex”. Certainly, you can practice abstinence and choose to become celibate, but asexuality and celibacy are not the same thing.

Can asexuals fall in love?

Although asexual people do not experience sexual attraction, that does not necessarily mean that they do not experience romantic emotions. As most people know, love does not equal sex, so it’s possible to fall in love with someone and not be interested in having sex with them.

Can asexuals have children?

Asexuality has nothing to do with fertility. Asexual people are just as fertile and capable of producing offspring as non-asexual people. It still takes two, though. We’re not capable of mitosis or budding or parthenogenesis or anything like that.[3]

Can asexual men get erections?

Asexuality is not a physical condition. It’s not a synonym for erectile dysfunction or impotence. Most asexual males have a fully operational penis that is capable of erection (as well as all of the other things the phrase “fully operational penis” implies).

Can asexuals masturbate?

For the most part, yes. Most asexual people have working parts downstairs, and that typically means that they are capable of self-stimulation and orgasm. There is nothing about asexuality that somehow prevents masturbation, and someone who masturbates is not somehow “disqualified” from being asexual.

However, just because we can doesn’t mean that we all do. While many asexuals do masturbate, many do not.

Can asexuals have sex?

In general, yes, asexuals are physically capable of having sex. Asexuality is a sexual orientation and has no bearing on sexual ability. There are no physical characteristics inherent in asexuality. Asexual people typically have functioning genitalia which is indistinguishable from that of a non-asexual person. It is possible that an asexual person is physically unable to have sex, but if that is the case, then it is the result of some other condition and not the result of asexuality.

Now, that’s not to say that asexual people necessarily want to have sex. Physical ability and willingness are two very different concepts. Many asexuals, despite having functioning genitalia, have no interest in using that genitalia with anyone else.

How do I tell if someone is asexual?

You ask them.

There are no physical indicators of asexuality. You can’t tell that someone is asexual just by looking, even if you’re looking at them with their clothes off. You can’t tell by how tall we are, by the rhythm to our step, by the way we talk, by the color of our eyes or by the size of our hair.

You can’t look at the way someone behaves, either. Asexuals act the same as everyone else. You can’t say “That person doesn’t have sex, so they must be asexual”, because being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean that someone doesn’t have sex, and not having sex doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is asexual.

The only way to know for sure if someone is actually asexual is to talk to them about it.

Is there a cure for asexuality?