Berries and Greed

“You’ve achieved loads,” I croaked, my own eyes watering. I could not handle seeing other people cry without tearing up myself, and seeing it on Beryl was particularly heartbreaking. “You moved out of the cult, Beryl. That was a huge change. And you… you’ve been out into the city, and you go out every morning to get coffee—”

I cringed when Beryl burst into fresh tears. Fuck, I’d made it worse.

“God, that s-sounds so p-pathetic.” She slid down the wall, and I quickly yanked my leg in so she could lie down.

“I’m sorry,” I said desperately. “I didn’t mean it like—Beryl, please don’t cry. You’re gonna make me cry.”

She started crying harder. Big, ugly sobs as she wiped her nose with the sleeve of her onesie. “God, Greid, you’re so fucking nice.” She covered her face with her hands. “I’m sorry, I think I’m just… I haven’t let myself think too hard about everything that’s happened, and now it’s all just coming out.”

“That’s okay.” I fidgeted with the hem of my onesie to stop myself reaching for her. “Do you… do you want me to leave you alone? In the nest?”

“No,” she burst out, moving her hands to look up at me with red-rimmed eyes. Her mouth trembled, more tears dripping. “I want—I want… Can you hug me again, Greid? Please?”

“Sure, of course. Yes.” I awkwardly shifted to lie down beside her, and equally as awkwardly wrapped my arm around her curled-up frame.

She immediately shuffled closer until I could get my other arm under her and she was buried against my chest. My hearts thudded hard, eyes falling closed as my chin rested on the top of her curls.

This was okay, right? She’d asked me to hug her. She wanted comfort. This wasn’t me leering at her like a creep and asking, Can I have a hug? Hehehe.

It wasn’t even like I could really feel her through our giant onesies. She was just a little mound of soft fabric shaking against me as she cried into my chest. I was desperate to thread my fingers through her soft curls, but obviously I didn’t. I just gave her back soothing rubs, frantically trying to think of a way to make her feel better.

But then, maybe she needed to let it all out. Maybe she just needed to let herself process all the recent changes in her life.

After a few minutes she started to calm down, but she didn’t move away. Her hot forehead rested in the hollow of my throat, and I could feel her small hands clutching the front of my onesie, so I clung to her tighter, curling my legs up to cradle her body completely.

“I don’t think I ever truly realised how much the cult has fucked me up,” she said with a wet sniff. “Growing up there was… not normal. As much as my aunt tried to shield me from all the cult stuff.”

I swallowed. “Yeah. It must have been lonely.”

I’d been picked on and teased by my siblings, and belittled by my dad, but at least I’d grown up with a big family. A proper family, not a group of strangers who lived together for a very odd reason that was entirely inappropriate for a child to be exposed to. My mother was ridiculously overbearing, but I knew she loved me. My siblings loved me too, they were just assholes. But loveable assholes. Not like my dad.

“I always thought I was so independent and confident,” Beryl said hoarsely. “But if I’m so independent, why did I stay there for years? Why didn’t I leave?”

“It’s hard to walk away from things. Especially everything at once. And you—your dad abandoned you, so why would you be eager to leave the person who took you in after that? If your aunt is there, it makes sense that you’d want to stay.” I allowed myself to briefly stroke the back of her head. “It just takes time, Beryl. Even if you’d just moved from another city or town, it takes time to find your footing in a new place. But, I mean, look at you. It’s only been a couple of weeks and you’ve already found a job. You’re doing great. You’re really brave.”

Beryl’s breaths calmed. She sniffed again, then tried to shuffle even closer. “Thanks, Greid. Thank you for everything.”

My pulse leapt with alarm when she started blubbering again, but then she said, “I’m glad I left with you and not before. I can’t imagine not knowing you now.”

“Me neither,” I said, squeezing her a little tighter. “You’re the best, Beryl.”

“I’m not,” she said with a watery laugh. “I’m not anything. I’m just beige, like The Order’s compound and everything in it.”

“You’re not beige,” I said, horrified. “You’re the furthest thing from beige. I-I noticed you—god, this is fucking embarrassing—but I noticed you at the compound because… you were the only one there who actually looked like a real person. You weren’t standing in line like the rest of them, and you were glaring at me like you’d rip my balls off if I went near you, and it… You looked… real.”

Squirming with embarrassment, I cleared my throat and added, “And I, um, I liked your hair. And your freckles. You looked interesting.”