Confessor: Chainfire Trilogy Part 3

"Is he? Step back, child, and look at the larger picture. Yes, Richard is our leader-and I am sincere in saying that-but he is also a man who has the gift and knows nothing about it. More than that, he is a wizard with both sides of the gift. Lightning is bottled up in that man. What is the purpose of a Sister of the Light if not to teach such men how to control their ability and to-"

"I am not a Sister of the Light."

Ann flicked a hand dismissively. "Semantics. Wordplay. Denying it will not change it."

"I am not-"

"You are." Ann jabbed an insistent finger against the center of Nicci's chest. "In there, you are. You are a person who, by whatever course, has embraced life. That is the Creator's calling. Call yourself what you will, Sister of the Light, or simply Nicci. It matters not; it changes nothing. You fight for our cause-the Creator's cause of life itself. You are a Sister, a sorceress, who can guide a man in what he needs to do."

"I am not a whore, not for you, not for anyone."

Ann rolled her eyes. "Did I ask you to bed a man you don't love? No. Did I ask you to trick him out of anything? No. I asked you to go to a man you love, give him love, and be the woman he so desperately needs, be the woman who can receive his love. That is what he needs-a woman to be the link for his need to love. That is the completing link to his humanity."

Nicci glared. "A minder from the Palace of the Prophets, that's what you really want me to be."

Ann muttered a prayer for strength toward the ceiling. "Child," she said, her gaze finally coming down to fix on Nicci, "I am only asking you not to waste any more of your life. You don't fully grasp what it is you are not seeing. You may think that this is about love, but you don't really know love, now do you? You know only its beginning: longing.

"The circumstances may not be what you would ask for in a perfect world, but this is the chance the Creator has given you, your chance to have the greatest joy possible to us in this life-love. Complete love. Your love right now is one sided, incomplete, deficient. It is merely sweet longing and imagined bliss. You can't know what love really is unless those feelings within your heart are returned in kind and set free. Only then is it real love, complete love. Only then can the heart truly soar. You don't yet know the joy of that most human of emotions."

Nicci had been kissed by rutting brutes. There was no joy in such things. Ann was right: Nicci didn't think that she could truly understand what it would be like to be kissed by a man she loved, truly loved, a man who loved her in return and held her above all else in his heart. She could only imagine such bliss. What a pity for those who didn't know the difference.

Ann opened a hand in a gesture of appeal. "If in that joy of complete love-for both of you-you can help guide the man you love to make choices that are nothing more than the right choices, what is wrong with that?"

She let the hand drop. "I'm not asking you to cause him to do wrong, but to do right, to do what he himself would want. I'm only asking you to save him from the kind of pain that risks him making a mistake, a mistake that will take us all down with him."

Nicci again felt the fine hair on the back of her neck stiffen.

"What are you talking about?"

"Nicci, when you were with the Order-when you were known as Death's Mistress-what did you feel like?"

"Feel like?" Nicci cast about in her mind for an answer to the unexpected question. "I don't know. I don't know what you mean. I guess I hated myself, hated life."

"And in your hatred of yourself did you care if Jagang killed you?"

"Not really."

"Would you act the same today? Act out of disinterest for yourself, for the future?"

"Of course not. Back then I didn't care what happened to me. What future could there be? I didn't think that I deserved any happiness-I didn't think that I could ever have any happiness-so nothing really mattered to me, not even my own life. I just didn't think that anything mattered."

"Didn't think that anything mattered," Ann repeated. She tsked concern to herself before continuing her theatrical dismay at what Nicci had said. "You didn't think you could have any happiness, and so you didn't think anything mattered." She held up a finger for a point of clarity. "You didn't make the same kinds of decisions back then that you would make today because you didn't care about yourself. Am I right?"

Nicci suspected that she was nearing the unseen jaws of a trap. "That's right."