Confessor: Chainfire Trilogy Part 3

"I would give anything to be able to use your urging as an excuse to do this, but I would never again respect myself. Richard loves Kahlan. It is not for me to replace that love with anything. It is because I love him that I could never betray his heart."

"But I don't think-"

"Would you be happy to have Nathan's love as a prize for a calculated trick? Would that be satisfactory to you? Would that bring you happiness?"

Ann's gaze drifted away, tears starting to fill her eyes. "No, it wouldn't."

"Then how can you think that I would be satisfied to seduce Richard at the expense of my self-respect? Love, real love, is something you earn for who you are; it's not a prize for your performance in bed."

Ann's gaze searched without settling. "But I only . . ."

"When I took Richard down to the Old World, when I took him captive, I wanted to force him to accept the Order's beliefs. But I also wanted to make him love me. To that end I thought to do something very similar to what you are asking me to do now. Richard refused.

"That's one of the reasons I so respect him. He was unlike any of the men I'd known who simply wanted me in their bed. I thought I could have him by the same means. He proved that his mind was what ruled him. He wasn't an animal like others who allowed their passion to rule them. He is a man ruled by reason. That is why he is our leader, not, as you seem to think, because you have pulled the proper strings.

"Had he given in to me I would never have respected him in the same way I do now. How could I truly love him if he would have proven such weakness of character? Even if I were to agree to your plan, Richard would not. He would remain the same Richard now as he was then. All that would happen is that he would lose his respect for me. In the end the plan would fail. It would fail because, ultimately, you failed to respect him as well.

"But would you really want it to work? Would you really want a man who is ruled by passion rather than reason to be our leader? Do you want merely to install a puppet of your wishes?"

"No, I suppose not."

"Me neither."

Ann smiled then, and took Nicci's arm, starting her down the white marble corridor.

"I hate to admit it, but I see your point. I guess that I have been guilty of allowing my passion for doing the Creator's work to get carried away into believing that I alone could decide how that should be accomplished, and how others should live."

They walked in silence for a moment, accompanied by flickering light and the soft hiss of the torches.

"I am sorry, Nicci. In spite of me, you have turned out to be a woman of true character."

Nicci stared into the distance. "It seems destined to be a lonely path."

"Richard would be wise were he to love you for who you are, just the way you are."

Nicci swallowed, unable to bring forth words.

"I guess that, in all the urgency of everything, I started to forget much the same lesson I'd already learned from Nathan."

"Perhaps all this really isn't your fault," Nicci allowed. "Perhaps it has more to do with Chainfire, and how much of what we knew is being lost to us."

Ann sighed. "I'm not sure I can blame my actions of a lifetime on a spell that has only recently happened."

Nicci glanced over at the former prelate. "What lesson from Nathan are you talking about?"

"He one day convinced me of very much the same things you have just brought back to my attention. In fact, he used much the same reasoning as you have just used. I misjudged Nathan, just as I have misjudged you, Nicci. You have my apology, child, not just for this, but for so much more I have robbed you of."

Nicci shook her head. "No, don't apologize for my life. I made the choices I made. Everyone, to one extent or another, must face life's trials. There will always be those who try to influence or even dominate us. We cannot allow such things to be an excuse for making the wrong choices. Ultimately, each of us lives our own life and we are responsible for it."

Ann nodded. "The mistakes that we spoke of before." She laid a hand tenderly against Nicci's back. "But you have made amends for yours, child. You have come to be responsible for yourself. You have done good."

"While I've come to see the grievous errors in my thinking, and I've tried to correct my mistakes, I don't think that counts as amends, but I promise you, Ann, if Richard needs anything, he will have it from me. That is what a true friend would do."

Ann smiled. "I guess you really are his friend, Sister."

"Nicci."

Ann chuckled. "Nicci, then."

They walked in silence past a dozen torches. Nicci was relieved that Ann had finally understood. She supposed that one could never be too old to come to new understandings. She hoped that Ann truly did understand, and that this was not just another strategy, another way to wield her influence over events. Maybe Nathan had actually changed her, as Ann had suggested.

To Nicci, it felt sincere. It also felt like this had been a conversation with Ann that she had been waiting her whole life to have.