Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine

Raymond rang the doorbell – the chime played the opening chords to Beethoven’s Third Symphony. A very small boy, his face smeared with, one hoped, chocolate, answered and stared at us. I stared back at him. Raymond stepped forward.

‘All right, mate?’ he said. ‘We’re here to see your granddad.’

The boy continued staring at us, somewhat unenthusiastically. ‘I’m wearing new shoes,’ he stated, apropos of nothing. At that moment, Laura appeared behind him in the hallway.

‘Auntie Laura,’ he said, not turning round, and sounding distinctly unimpressed, ‘it’s more people for the party.’

‘I see that, Tyler,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you go and find your brother, see if you can blow up some more balloons for us?’ He nodded and ran off, his little feet thumping on the stairs.

‘Come in,’ she said, smiling at Raymond. ‘Dad’ll be pleased to see you.’ She didn’t smile at me, which is the normal state of affairs in most encounters I have with other people.

We entered, Raymond wiping his feet elaborately on the doormat. I copied him. It was truly an unforeseen day when I would look to Raymond for social guidance.

He handed over the flowers and the clinking bag, and Laura looked pleased. I realized that, despite her entreaty at the hospital, I ought to have brought something to hand over, too. I was going to explain that she had told us not to, and I had simply done her the courtesy of respecting her wishes, but before I could speak, Raymond blurted out, ‘These are from Eleanor and me.’

She peered into the carrier bag – I fervently hoped it wasn’t Haribo and Pringles again – and thanked us both. I nodded in acknowledgement.

She showed us into the living room, where Sammy and his family were seated. Banal pop music was playing softly, and a low table was covered with little bowls of beige snacks. Laura was wearing a dress, wrapped around her like black bandages, and teetered in heels with a two-inch platform. Her blonde hair was – I grappled for the correct terms – both tall and fat, and tumbled well past her shoulders in glossy waves. Even Bobbi Brown might have thought the amount of makeup she was wearing de trop. Raymond’s mouth hung slightly open, just wide enough to post a letter through, and he seemed somewhat dazed. Laura appeared entirely indifferent to his response.

‘Raymond! Eleanor!’ Sammy shouted, waving from deep within an enormous velvet armchair. ‘Laura, get them both a drink, would you? We’re on the Prosecco,’ he said, confidentially.

‘No more for you, Dad,’ his elder son said. ‘Not with those painkillers.’

‘Och, come on, son – you only live once!’ Sammy said brightly. ‘After all, there’s worse ways to go, eh, Eleanor?’

I nodded. He was, of course, absolutely right. I should know.

Laura appeared with two flutes of urine-coloured fizzy liquid – much to my surprise, I drank mine down in three gulps. It was dry and biscuity, and extremely delicious. I wondered if it was expensive, and whether it might in due course come to replace vodka as my bevarage of choice. Laura noticed, and topped up my glass.

‘You’re like me – I only drink bubbles,’ she said approvingly.

I looked around.

‘You have a very beautiful home,’ I said.

She nodded.

‘It’s taken me a couple of years to get everything the way I like it, but I’m happy with it now,’ she said.

I was struck by how coordinated everything was, how clean and gleaming. There were textures everywhere – feathers and flock, velvet, silk – and jewel colours.

‘It’s like an eyrie where a beautiful bird would nest,’ I said. ‘A quetzal, or an imperial eagle.’

She appeared to be struggling for an appropriate response, strangely. Surely a simple ‘thank you’ would have sufficed?

After a silence, not too uncomfortable because of the fizzy bubble drink, she asked me about work, and I explained what I did, and how I knew Raymond. We looked over at him – he was perched on the arm of Sammy’s chair, laughing at something one of her brothers had said.

‘You could do worse, you know,’ she said, with a sly smile. ‘I mean, if you tidied him up a bit, decent haircut …’

It took me a moment to grasp what she meant.

‘Oh no,’ I said, ‘you completely misunderstand. I already have someone. He’s handsome and sophisticated and talented – a cultured, educated man.’ Laura smiled.

‘Aren’t you the lucky one! How did you two meet, then?’

‘Well, we haven’t, as yet,’ I explained, ‘but it’s only a matter of time.’

She threw her head back and laughed, a deep throaty sound that seemed wrong coming from such a slight, feminine woman.

‘You’re hilarious, Eleanor,’ she said. ‘You’ll have to come round for drinks some time. And if you ever decide to cut your hair, bear me in mind, yeah? I’ll give you mates’ rates.’