Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

Lots of teens AND adults pay a lot of attention to the word virgin. In the truest sense of the word, a virgin is a person (male or female) who is sexually “pure.” That means she or he has never had sex. But as you’ll learn throughout this book, there’s a lot more to sex than just a penis in a vagina. Is a girl still a virgin if she has oral sex? Some teens think they are still “technically” a virgin even if they are doing some pretty outrageous sexual things as long as a penis doesn’t go in the vagina. How “pure” is oral or anal sex? Although it might prevent pregnancy, infections can still be a big risk. As far as we’re concerned, the word virgin doesn’t hold much significance medically because “technical virgins” are still at risk for infections and the emotional consequences of sex. The meaning of virgin is deeper than a “technical” definition; it involves purity of the mind as well as the body, and it’s something that you have control over. Just don’t try to fool yourself into thinking “technical virginity” is risk free. Face the truth and protect yourself from the consequences. We’ll discuss what those risks are later in this chapter.

The Big O

(We don’t mean Oprah, but we love her anyway.)

“O”

Orgasms feel great, no question. And lots of people make a huge deal out of them. It’s important to understand that sometimes orgasm doesn’t happen at all during the penis-in-vagina part of sex, particularly for women. Most women need to feel very relaxed, comfortable and safe to experience orgasm. Sex isn’t just about orgasm, and it can still feel good even if an orgasm doesn’t happen. Being sexual with someone you love is about expressing warmth, closeness and intimacy—an orgasm is an added bonus.

Sometimes for guys, orgasm (ejaculation) may happen very quickly and actually before they are ready for it to happen. Teenage boys in general are not always able to control how long they can keep an erection. That means a guy can get an erection and ejaculate before a girl even starts to get sexually aroused and enjoy the experience—that can lead to frustration. For a lot of women, sex is more about emotional attachment, comfort and security in a relationship. Guys sometimes get a reputation for being just into the act without the emotional attachment. There are definitely some great guys out there who are looking for emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. There are also guys, especially teen guys, who can seem unemotional and pushy when it comes to sex. It’s not always the guys, though. There are also girls who are pushy and unemotional when it comes to doing sexual things. For too many teens, it seems to be more about bragging rights and being able to say, “Hey, I got laid!” Just remember, sex isn’t supposed to be like a Nike ad. It’s about a lot more than “just doing it.”

Solo Sex

Orgasm can happen without sexual intercouse. It can happen for males and females just from sexual touching or even in sexual dreams. A lot of males and females will touch themselves sexually. This can just feel good, or it can be intense enough to create an orgasm. Touching yourself sexually is called masturbation. When guys masturbate, they will hold and rub their penis, usually pretty vigorously, to stimulate it. When girls masturbate, they may touch their breasts, rub their clitoris or vagina. Basically, masturbation involves touching or rubbing yourself in whatever way makes you feel good sexually. There’s nothing dangerous about it (as long as it doesn’t consume your free time), and it is actually quite normal. For many teenagers, masturbation is a way to enjoy their sexual urges without risking sexual activity or intercourse with another person. Masturbation (just masturbation with yourself ) can’t cause pregnancy and can’t cause sexually transmitted diseases. And if you’ve ever heard that it will make you grow hair on your palms, make you go blind or that other people can tell you masturbate by looking at you, we hope you know by now that that’s not true. Duh.

There’s another term called mutual masturbation. Think of it as masturbation with someone else. That means that one person will touch the other person sexually and vice versa without having intercourse. Some people call this “outercourse” because it doesn’t involve intercourse. It’s also called heavy petting or a “hand job.” Like masturbation, this isn’t dangerous if the “masturbators” are only using their hands. Once it goes beyond a hand job to closer skin-to-skin contact or mouth-to-skin contact, then we’re talking about a different topic and increased risks. We’ll talk more about this in chapter 9.

Oral Sex