I Know What I Saw

I roll quietly on to my side so that I can look out into the room beyond the edge of the leather sofa. The area at the far end is in shade. The dying light from the fire can’t reach it but I can still make out their legs. He’s wearing suit trousers. She’s in stockings or tights. I look up but the dining table is still obscuring a lot of what would be visible. I strain until I can see flickers of movement.

He’s holding her by the wrist but she is tugging it away. There’s no fear in her demeanour. She knows him. She’s safe.

‘Precious fucking boyfriend record,’ he says. Some of what he is saying doesn’t reach me. ‘Knew all that time – keeping – the things in there – quiet just like—’

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ she retorts. ‘You’re drunk.’

I blink away spots appearing before me. She says other things that I don’t catch.

Her voice is sharp and rises to the ceiling and then scatters around me like fallen glass.

‘You know how I feel about – getting my father – and at this time – when …’ His voice rising and falling, makes its way to me in incomplete packets. If I could only hear more.

‘If you sorted out your issues, maybe you wouldn’t—’

Then more noise.

I crane my neck for a better view. I see a cloud of dark hair.

‘Shut. Up,’ he says.

He has leaned her back over the table, and is covering her mouth with his hand. I can see her struggling, fighting to get upright, fighting to get his weight off her body. Fighting to get his hand off her mouth.

My heart starts to race but I am paralysed. Stop now! I say under my breath. Enough.

Her legs kick out but reach only air.

Don’t! She can’t breathe.

Her voice is trying to escape from her lungs but he smothers it, pressing his hands on her face. I have to get up now and do something, but I am rooted to my place. I’m not supposed to be here. I’ve convinced even myself I am not here. And yet I am. I have to get up. I have to run and pull him off before …

I take a breath and force myself to my knees. From here I can see that she is failing. Her face and her neck are changing colour. Her hair falls softly around her face but something about it is grotesque. I will some movement into my legs but they are stuck.

I cough. It distracts him but then, just as he turns around to look, I drop back behind the sofa, unable to hold my ground. I am terrified of being found here in this house, but she has to be more important than that and I am furious that I can’t control my instincts. But I see that he’s released her now. He turns back towards her, then the shock of what he has done – is doing – seems to hit him. She gasps, clutching her throat, and levers herself off the table, breathing hard.

He seems to have forgotten what distracted him and is now holding her gently by the forearms.

‘I’m so sorry, darling. I’m so … I’m drunk. And you just – you know how much I hate being compared to him. If you hadn’t—’

‘Me?’ she exclaims. ‘Me? You nearly killed me! What the hell’s wrong with you—’

I peer round the edge of the leather sofa in time to see her spin around and launch a flat hand at his face. As soon as the blow lands, almost before the sound ripples to my ears, he reacts, as if bound by the laws of physics – every force has an equal and opposite reaction. The moment her hand whips his skin, he swings his fist into her face. They are like two table tennis players who play just one shot each. It is that quick.

Her head snaps back with a crack. She freezes then. Her face is a pale, perfectly still surprise. My heart stops. My head pounds, and in that gap when all things still remain possible, my life flashes before me in a kaleidoscope.

Bright light moments. Heavy sadness. Regrets, mainly.

My mind gathers as many strands of my life as it can in that divided infinite sub-second, like it’s fleeing from a burning building. My last possessions.

The woman’s knees buckle as if the bones in her legs have vaporised. She drops. Then there is another dull crack as her body pulls the back of her head down hard on the edge of the table. And then, finally, another thud as she lands scattered on the floor.