Incest

—No, I would have been ‘out.’ She called me yesterday, and I’ve been in this state since then, I have to do this reading. I’m very, very anxious, I scream and slap myself. I can’t stand it.

—What time does your reading end?

—Around eight thirty.

—Come see me after.

—But after it will be over.

—It may help you during the reading to know that you’ll be coming here when it’s done.

—Or I could come now.

—You just told me you couldn’t.

—I’ll see.

Marie-Christine arrived, exasperated. She saw I was on the phone, she kept making signs of impatience. Of anger, “I can’t believe it,” “No this isn’t possible, I must be dreaming,” “I came I’m here and you’re on the phone. I’m here, I’m paying a price to be here, and you’re on the phone, you’re unbearable and on top of that, when I’m here, when I come over despite everything, despite all the horrible phone calls this afternoon, despite the fact that your personality is impossible, delusional, paranoid, perverse, masochistic and sadistic, you are on the phone.” Completely exasperated.

I hang up, I say to Marie-Christine:

—Don’t get upset, I was talking to Moufid, he recommends I go see him.

—That would be a good thing.

She offers to take me in her car, we’d come back after, we’d drive straight to the reading if time is too tight. I call Moufid back, I tell him I’m on my way.

He fit me in for ten minutes between two patients and I went to do my reading. Things were a bit better. And it went well.

Night

She tells me she’s going to go to bed, that she’s going back to her place. I can’t possibly be alone that night, not at night. After all the effort. She’s dumping me, Christmas, and now at night. Again. When I’m in my worst state. Her reasoning: 1. She doesn’t have her things, 2. If she leaves her car parked where it is, she’ll get a ticket like the last time.

—OK, then I’ll go sleep at Claude’s, I can’t stay alone.

—If you go sleep at Claude’s then we’re done, do you hear me? Done. Come sleep at my place.

—I can’t, not after everything I’ve gone through since Wednesday, I don’t have enough faith in you to fall asleep at your place. Don’t you understand?

I started shivering again. Always the same spot, my lower back, around my kidneys. Gil and Anne had barely turned the corner. I collapsed onto my bed, on my back, my head hanging backwards, my eyes blank again, my fingers blue, it had started again. And Nadine getting ready for Christmas with twenty-five people. Her cousin is coming, that’s great, as always, it’s a ritual, an ancient ritual, it will happen again, once more, in a few weeks, since forever.

It must have been one in the morning, I couldn’t take it any more, I had to go to her place, make one more effort, go to the enemy’s, or else she’d leave me on my own. If I went to Claude’s, she’d leave me. She finally grabbed my bag, threw two or three things in it, took my hand, quick and easy. I put on my coat, I was like a huge bear that couldn’t walk anymore, nose dripping, crying, face contorted, a huge bear at the end of its tether. She goes downstairs, I stop on the landing, I can’t move.

—I’m downstairs and you’re staying upstairs, is that it?

Shouted up at me at half past midnight.

She climbs the stairs again, without any trace of tenderness, exasperated. She pulls me along to the street where her car is parked. I don’t cross the street, I’m petrified. I want to scream. I head back towards my place. She drives up, opens the door, she says “hurry up.” I get in the car. I say “take me back to my place.” An ancient ritual practiced since forever with people who have helped her and whom she can’t abandon. Out of loyalty, yes, out of duty, yes. Yes. It’s her family, she has a family, yes. Nadine is essential, Nadine is a fundamental part of me. If you can’t stand her, then you can’t stand me either. A cousin, godchildren, yes. I sleep very little. I wake up very early, the morning of the 27th, I call Claude. I say to him “please, I can’t take this any more, introduce me to some new people.” That very evening, there will be Nicolas and Judith, the daughter of my first psychoanalyst in Reims, she was at the reading yesterday, she liked it a lot. She’d heard about me all through her childhood, I shaped her father as an analyst, “the young woman” in exceptional terms. I’m too tired.

The day of the 27th

I clean the house. In the evening I may see Marie-Christine, we still haven’t decided. I’m also invited to Claude’s with Judith. I have a five o’clock appointment with Toro, my chiropractor, he’s Colombian. He helps me. Finally relaxed, I get home at six thirty. I’m doing well. Maybe I’ll even draw myself a bath. I call Marie-Christine in this tranquil state. I don’t want to see her, I’d rather rest, eat a few raviolis, watch the movie about Thomas Bernhard I’d recorded, and go to bed early without discussing everything again. We talk calmly, a call comes in, it’s Nadine.

I summarize what’s on my little piece of graph paper, which I’d kept. Her answer: