Incest

There would be other signs, other symptoms and other physical manifestations, I only mentioned the most recent, the ones right after the trigger. If I went back in time, I could write pages and pages. A sense of suffocation, vomiting, nausea, bouts of colitis, insomnia, breakdowns, suicidal urges, spectacular ones, I picture myself again one evening in Spain, in Rosas, lying on the sidewalk, I was eighteen years old, I was on vacation with Pierre, a summer evening, I was stretched out on the sidewalk because my stomach hurt so much, people passed by, it was vacation time. Vertigo, fits of hysteria, I remember a Place d’Erlon in Reims, on the corner of Rue Burette, near the Espace store, I’d thrown my eyeglasses on the ground, I’d broken them (like I did when Chirac was elected), Place d’Erlon, I remember the reason: I didn’t know what to buy for dinner, slapping my own face, in public but mostly alone, and my speech, a way of talking that constantly associated disparate things. François told me “you should put yourself to the side a bit.” A way of unintentionally attacking with language, obstructed breathing, in the end you’re alone. You feel contempt for people who help you, you feel contempt for people who don’t. When I got married, I had insomnia for eight whole days and lots and lots and lots of violence, perverse language, this chapter could have been long and detailed, I’ve forgotten some, and I have to be precise, clear, accurate, and orderly. I don’t want to end up with something more or less impressionistic, what they call: artistically vague.

Definitions

These are taken from Elisabeth Roudinesco and Michel Plon’s Dictionary of Psychoanalysis, published by Fayard. We’re now on Wednesday, December 2nd. I’ll get back to Sunday the 29th, Monday the 30th, and Tuesday the 1st. I was affected by certain definitions. I made an initial diagnosis, empirically, I’m not a doctor. I took some words, I understood what kind of insanity I have, what form. I figure it out, and it’s not pretty: it’s terrible. As they say: the rules of the game. The rules of the game as they say, I’m somewhat mad as they say, I’ve got my feet on the ground as they say. It’s a kind of excuse, this “as they say,” a kind of regret, and of innocence. I’ve underlined certain words to make reading easier. At the same time, it’s for emphasis. And finally, it builds something. Earlier my motto could have been ‘Everything can always be mashed together.’ I couldn’t take it anymore, as they say: enough was enough.

Incest

We call incest a sexual relation without force or constraint between blood relatives to a degree prohibited by the laws of each society. In almost all known societies, except for a few cases including Egyptian pharaohs or the ancient nobility of Hawaii, incest has always been severely chastised then prohibited. That is why it is so often kept secret and experienced as a tragedy by those who engage in it. Prohibition is the negative side of a positive regulation: the obligation of exogamy. The act is disapproved of by social opinion and always experienced as a tragedy caused by irrationality or leading to madness or suicide.

Mental illness

Whether called fury, mania, delusion, rage, frenzy, or alienation, madness has always been considered reason’s ‘other.’ Extravagance, senselessness, confused thinking, mood swings, excessive emotion: these are the manifestations of this affliction that human beings have suffered since the beginning of time.

Paranoia

This type of mental illness – which Freud compared to a philosophical system due to its logical mode of expression and an internal consistency that is close to “normal” reasoning – could be defined as the insidious development, determined by internal causes and following an extended evolution of a delusional, lasting, and impervious system that preserves from its inception complete clarity and order of thought, will, and action. Paranoia consists of two basic mechanisms: delusions of reference and illusions of memory, both of which produce different delusional beliefs of persecution, jealousy, and grandeur. The paranoid individual suffers from a chronic illness, believing himself a prophet, an emperor, a great person, an inventor. It is a pathological defense mechanism, people develop paranoia because they cannot tolerate certain things, provided, naturally, that their psyches are predisposed to it. Paranoid individuals love their delusion as they love themselves, this is their secret. Paranoia is defined as a defense against homosexuality.