Ivanov

Ivanov goes out.

Zinaida(aside) Dear God, he gave me a fright! I’m shaking like a leaf.

She goes out.

    Kosykh enters, crossing the stage.

Kosykh(aside) I had the ace, king, queen and seven showing in diamonds, the ace of spades . . . and one low heart, but she, God rot her, couldn’t declare a small slam . . .

He goes out. Avdotya and First Guest enter.

AvdotyaI’d like to rip her to pieces, the old skinflint . . . It’s beyond a joke, I’ve been sitting here since five o’clock and she hasn’t so much as offered me a stale herring. What a place! What a way to keep house!

First GuestI’m so desperate I’m about ready to start howling like a wolf and biting lumps out of people.

Avdotya. . . rip her to pieces, the old sinner.

First GuestI’m going to have a drink and then – off home! And don’t bother to line up those brides you promised me – I can’t think about love when I haven’t had a drink since my dinner.

AvdotyaLet’s go and sniff some out, then.

First GuestShsh! . . . I think there’s some schnapps in the sideboard in the dining room. Let’s get hold of Yegorushka . . . Shhh!

They go out. Anna and Lvov come in.

AnnaDon’t worry, they’ll be delighted to see us. There’s no one here. They must be in the garden.

LvovI’d like to know why you’ve brought me to this vultures’ nest. Honest people like you and me can’t breathe in this atmosphere.

AnnaOh you, Mr Honesty! If you’re going to keep a lady company, it’s really not nice to talk about your honesty the whole time – honest though it may be. Never tell a woman your virtues. Let her find them out. When my husband took me out, he’d sing and tell stories, and all the women would know what kind of man he was.

LvovI don’t want to hear about your husband. I know only too well what kind of man he is.

AnnaYou’re a decent man at heart, Doctor, but you don’t understand anything. Let’s go out in the garden. Nikolay never talked the way you do – he left the zoology out of it. When he lost his temper with someone, he’d say to me, ‘Oh, Anya, that was unfair of me, ‘ or ‘Now I feel sorry for him . . .’ But not you . . .

They go out.

    Avdotya and the First Guest enter.

First GuestIf it’s not in the dining room the only other place is the pantry. Yegorushka will know . . .

AvdotyaI could rip her to pieces, really I could . . .

They go out.

    Babakina and Borkin run in from, the garden laughing. Shabelsky minces in after them, also laughing and rubbing his hands.

BabakinaWhat a bore! (Laughs.) Everyone standing around as if they’d swallowed a poker. My bones are stiff with boredom. (Jumps about.) I have to stretch them . . .

Borkin grabs her around the waist and kisses her on the cheek.

Shabelsky(laughs loudly and snaps his fingers) Devil take it!

BabakinaLet go of me! You’re shameless! God knows what the Count will think. Let go!

BorkinMy heart’s angel, my treasure! . . . Lend me two thousand three hundred roubles.

BabakinaCertainly not. Say what you like, but when it’s money – thanks all the same – so let go of my arms.

Shabelsky(minces round and about) My little pompom – She’s quite good looking in her own way . . .

Borkin(seriously) Right, enough of that, let’s get down to business. I want a straight answer. No messing about. Yes or no. (Indicates the Count.) He needs money, three thousand a year, minimum. You need a husband. Want to be a Countess?

Shabelsky(laughs loudly) He really takes your breath away!

BorkinWant to be a Countess? Yes or no?

Babakina(agitated) The things you come up with, Misha, really . . . You can’t deal with these sorts of things on the spur of the moment . . . The Count can ask me himself if he wants to . . . and I don’t know – It’s all a bit sudden –

BorkinDon’t confuse the issue. This is a business proposal. Yes or no?

Shabelsky(laughing and rubbing his hands) Well, how about it? Damn me, do I have to deal with this sordid little business for myself? Eh? Come here, my little pompom . . . (Kisses Babakina on her cheek.) My charmer, my little cucumber!

BabakinaStop it, stop – you’ve got me all upset . . . Get away from me! – No, don’t go away . . .

BorkinHurry up! Yes or no? We haven’t got all night.