Ivanov

LebedevHow can I have a sense of the sublime? All I do is sit here waiting to kick the bucket. There’s my sense of the sublime for you. For you and me, brother, it’s a bit late for a sense of the sublime. (Shouts.) Gavrila!

ShabelskyYou’ve had enough ‘Gavrila’ – your nose looks as if it’s on fire.

Lebedev(drinks) What if it does? I’m not getting married today.

ZinaidaIt’s ages since Doctor Lvov was here. He’s forgotten us.

SashaI can’t bear him. Uprightness in boots. He can’t ask for a glass of water without pushing his honesty in your face. A walking, talking advert for honesty, it’s stamped on his forehead, ‘Solid Honesty’. He’s a bore.

ShabelskyHe’s a prig and a bigot. (Mimics.) ’Make way for honest speech!’ Preaching non-stop like a parrot, and anyone who doesn’t preach along is a cad. The profundity of his thoughts is astounding. If a peasant has done well for himself and lives like a human being, that means he’s on the fiddle and a scrounger. If I wear a smoking jacket, and have a servant to help me dress, I’m a worthless exploiter. He’s got honesty coming out of his ears. I don’t know – you only have to look at him sideways and he’s quite liable to take hold of you and call you names because it’s his moral duty.

IvanovHe’s tiresome, but still, I quite like him, he’s completely sincere.

ShabelskyOh, I’m sure he is! He came up to me last night and out of nowhere he said, ‘You know, Count, I find you deeply repugnant!’ Well, thank you very much. And it’s not simply personal, oh no, there’s bigotry there, his voice trembles, his eyes burn, his knees shake . . . To hell with his gimcrack sincerity. I may be repugnant to him, that’s fair enough, I don’t need telling, so why does he have to tell me to my face? So I’m worthless, fine, but when all’s said and done, grey hairs deserve respect. His honesty is as mindless as it’s merciless.

LebedevOh, come on – you were young once . . .

ShabelskyYes, I was a young hothead in my time – a second Chatsky outfacing the frauds and philistines – but I never called a thief a thief to his face, or mentioned rope in the house of a hanged man, I was properly brought up. But that boneheaded quack thinks he’ll have served his purpose in life if he could haul me up in public and, in the name of his humane and idealistic principles, put his boot in where it hurts.

LebedevI had an uncle, when he was a young man he was a Hegelian, and he’d invite people to his house and when he’d had a few drinks he’d get up on a chair, like this, and harangue them about being ignoramuses and forces of darkness – announcing the dawn of a new age and blahdy-blah . . .

SashaWhat did the guests do?

LebedevIgnored him, of course – carried on drinking. I challenged him to a duel once – my own uncle! We fell out about something or other in Francis Bacon. What happened was, I was sitting where Matvey is sitting, and uncle and the late Gerasim Nilych were standing there, about where Nikolay is standing – well, Gerasim Nilych goes and asks a question . . .

Enter Borkin dressed in his best clothes, with a package in his hands, bouncing up and down and humming. There is a buzz of approval.

LadiesMisha! Mikhail Mikhailovich!

LebedevMichel Michelich! – Listen to this . . .

BorkinI’ve arrived!

ShabelskyNow the fun starts!

Borkin(runs up to Sasha) Noble signorina, may I be so bold as to congratulate the universe on the birthday of its loveliest flower . . . and as proof of my esteem, present you - (Hands her the package.) – with these fireworks and sparklers of my own manufacture. May they light up the night as you brighten the gloom of this realm of darkness.

He makes a theatrical bow.

SashaThank you.

Lebedev(laughs loudly; to Ivanov) Why don’t you send the rogue on his way?

Borkin(to Lebedev) Pavel Kirillich! (To Ivanov.) And my guv’nor . . . (Sings.) Nicolas – voilà, hi-de-ho! (Goes round to everyone.) The most respected Zinaida Savishna . . . The divine Marfa Yegorovna . . . The ancient Avdotya Nazarovna . . . His exalted Excellency.

Shabelsky(laughs loudly) The life and soul . . . He walks in and the mood brightens. Notice that?