Ivanov

ZinaidaYou’re right there, darling, and he’s got enough to be unhappy about, poor fool – (Sighs.) What a mistake that was, married his Jewess and thought the parents would hand over buckets of cash but no such luck. The moment she got herself baptised, they’ve had nothing to do with her, cut her off. So he didn’t get a kopek. He’s regretting it now, too late.

SashaMama, that’s not true.

Babakina(heatedly) What do you mean, Sasha? – everyone knows it’s true! Why did he marry that Abramovna if it wasn’t for the money? Aren’t there enough Russian girls? He made a mistake, darling, and – (Gaily.)– my goodness, is she paying for it! It’s enough to make a cat laugh. He arrives home from somewhere and he’s going on at her from the word go – ‘Your parents swindled me – get out of my house!’ But where could she go? Her parents won’t take her back. She’d have to go into service, I suppose, but she’s never been trained to work. And he never leaves off. The Count has to step in, that’s what I’ve heard – if it weren’t for him, Ivanov would have done for his Anna long ago.

AvdotyaNot only that, he locks her in the cellar and makes her eat garlic till it’s coming out in her sweat.

Laughter.

SashaIt’s all lies, Papa!

LebedevSo what? Let them jabber away, if it makes them feel better. (Shouts.) Gavrila! . . .

Gavrila serves him vodka and water.

ZinaidaAnd now the poor man is going to rack and ruin. He and his Jew-girl would be starving if it wasn’t for Misha Borkin keeping the estate going. (Sighs.) Not to mention how we’re suffering for it, my dear. God only knows the suffering he’s caused us. Would you believe me if I told you he’s owed us nine thousand roubles for three years now?

Babakina(in horror) Nine thousand . . .!

ZinaidaYes, my Pavel, who can’t tell a good loan from a bad one, lent him nine thousand. And it’s not just the capital, may the Good Lord watch over it – but you’d think he might pay the interest when it’s due.

Sasha(heatedly) Mama, we’ve heard this a thousand times before!

ZinaidaWhat’s that to you? Why are you standing up for him anyway?

SashaAnd how have you got the nerve, talking this way about someone who’s never done you any harm? What’s he ever done to you, tell me that?

Third GuestMiss Alexandra, allow me to say a couple of words! I respect Nikolay Alekseevich, I really do, it’s an honour to know him, but entre nous I’d say he’s a bit of a chancer.

SashaOh, would you? – Well, I hope you feel better for it!

Third GuestIf you want proof, consider this for a fact, told me by his bulldog, Borkin. Two years ago he bought cattle in the middle of the epidemic, insured them . . .

ZinaidaYes – I remember that. I heard about it too.

Third GuestHe insured them, then, guess what, he infected them with cattle disease and collected the insurance!

SashaThat’s absolute rubbish! Nobody bought or infected any cattle! It was one of Borkin’s pet schemes, he went around bragging about it. When Ivanov got to hear of it, Borkin spent two weeks grovelling. Ivanov’s only fault is that he’s too kind and didn’t send that Borkin packing. He’s too trusting. People have cheated him out of everything he had. Anyone who feels inclined has made money out of his charitable works.

LebedevCool down, little Sasha – that’s enough.

SashaBut why do they talk such nonsense? It’s so tedious! Is that all they can talk about? Ivanov, Ivanov, Ivanov – (She starts to leave but returns.) I’m surprised at you – (To the young people.) I can’t believe how pathetic you are. Aren’t you bored just sitting around? The air is thick with it! . . . Talk about something! Be some company for us! Laugh or sing us a song, or dance, just do something!

Lebedev(laughs) That’s right, you tell them!

SashaNo, listen, please – listen to me – if it’s too boring to dance or laugh or sing, I implore you for once in your life, just for the novelty, brace yourselves and just come straight out with something brilliant or witty – even something embarrassing or stupid, anything so long as it’s original and gets a laugh. Or if you could just perform some little action, it doesn’t have to be earth-shattering, just anything which passes for an achievement, so these ladies here just for once can say ‘Goodness me!’ You want them to like you, so why don’t you make an effort? You men! – you’re hopeless, you really are!

Shabelsky enters with Ivanov.

ShabelskyWho’s making a speech? You, Shurochka? (Laughs loudly and shakes her hand.) Happy birthday, my angel, may you live long and only the once.

Zinaida(joyfully) Nikolay Alekseevich! Your Excellency!

LebedevWho’s this I see? Count!