Journey

She smiled up at him then, as they ate the last of the caviar. He had bought pâté, and cheese and French bread, and a bottle of red wine. It was a very elegant picnic he had provided for her, a safe haven from the tensions of the world she lived in. “Sometimes I wonder why you put up with me. All I do is moan and whine about Jack, and I know that to you, it must look like I'm not doing anything about it. It must be hard to sit by and watch sometimes. How do you stand me?”

“That's an easy one to answer,” he smiled back at her. And took her breath away by what he said next, without pretense or hesitation. “I love you.” There was an instant's pause as she absorbed it, and realized what he meant. He meant it in the same way she would have said it to Lizzie, as protector and friend, not as a woman would say to a man, or vice versa. At least that was how she understood it.

“I love you too, Bill,” she said softly. “You're my best friend in the world.” What they shared had even surpassed what she'd shared with Greg, who seemed to have moved on to his own life. “You're like my family, almost like a big brother.”

But having said it, he was not going to back down. He stood very close to her, and put a hand on her shoulder. “That's not how I meant it, Maddy” he said clearly. “I mean it in a deeper sense, as a man. I love you,” he repeated, and she stared at him, not sure how to answer. He understood that too, and tried to put her at ease. But he was glad he had finally said it to her. It had been a long time coming. Six months of great intimacy, in all the ways that mattered. He was part of her daily life now, and only wished he could be more so. “You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I don't expect anything from you. I think I've been waiting for the last six months for you to change your life, and do something about Jack. But I understand how hard that is for you. I'm not even sure you ever will. I think I accept that. But I don't want to wait until you do, or if you do, to tell you that I love you. Life is short, and love is very special.” She was bowled over by what he was saying to her.

“You're very special too,” she said softly and leaned toward him to kiss him on the cheek, but he turned slightly, and she wasn't sure how it happened, if she had done it, or he, but the next thing she knew she was kissing him, and he her, profoundly from their hearts and with considerable passion. And when they stopped, she looked at him with amazement. “How did that happen?”

“I think it was a long time coming,” he said, putting his arms around her, and worrying that he might have upset her. “Are you okay?” He looked down at her, and she nodded and leaned her head against him. He was considerably taller than she was, and she felt safe and happy in his arms, in a way she knew she had never known before. This was something completely different, and in its newness, it was both wonderful and scary.

“I think I am,” she said, looking up at him and trying to sort out her feelings. And then he kissed her again, and she did nothing to resist. On the contrary, she realized now that it was all she wanted. But it made what Jack had said about her true. She had never cheated on him, never looked at another man before, and she realized now that she was in love with Bill, and she had no idea what to do about it.

They sat down at the kitchen table, holding hands, and looked at each other. It was suddenly a whole new world between them. He had thrown open a door that they had both been standing near, and Maddy had never realized how grandiose the vista would be once he did it. “This is quite a Christmas gift,” she said with a shy smile, and he smiled broadly.

“Yes, it is, Maddy, isn't it? But I don't want you to feel pressured. I didn't plan this. I didn't expect it any more than you did. And I don't want you to feel guilty about it.” He knew her well now. There were times when just breathing made her feel guilty, and this was a lot more than breathing. This was living.

“How am I supposed to feel? I'm married, Bill. I'm doing everything he accuses me of, and none of it was ever true before. Now it is … or it could be …”

“That depends how we handle it, and I suggest we move very slowly.” Although he knew now that he would have liked to move a great deal more quickly. But out of respect for her, he knew he couldn't. “I want to make you happy, not screw up your life.” But it certainly complicated it. And it forced her to look at her relationship with Jack in a way she had been avoiding. She had been catapulted into an entirely different situation with their first kiss.

“What am I going to do?” she asked Bill, but she was asking herself the same question. She was married to a man who treated her abominably. But in spite of that, she had a sense of loyalty to him, or at least that was what she called it.