Journey

“You're going to do what's right for you. I'm a big boy. I can deal with it. But whatever you decide about me, or about us, you still have to do something about Jack. You can't hide from that forever, Maddy” He was hoping that his love, and her knowing it now, would give her the strength she needed to escape him. In a sense, although she didn't want to think about it that way, he was her passport to freedom. But she was determined not to use him. She sensed that, if she wanted it to be, he could be her future. Bill Alexander was not a man to take lightly.

They chatted over lunch after that, eating cheese and drinking wine, and he made her laugh a little bit about their situation. He told her that, although he didn't recognize it at first, he had fallen in love with her right from the beginning.

“I think I did too,” she admitted to him, “but I was afraid to face it. It seemed like the wrong thing to do, because of Jack.” And it still was, but it was stronger than she now, or either of them. “Jack will never forgive me for this, you know,” she said unhappily. “He'll never believe this hasn't been going on all along. He'll tell everyone in the world that I've been cheating on him.”

“He might have done that anyway, if you leave him.” And Bill prayed now more than ever that she would, for both their sakes. He felt as though an exquisite butterfly had landed on his hand, and he was afraid to touch or catch it. He just wanted to admire it and love it. “I think he's going to say some pretty ugly things, when you get free of him, regardless of me. He's not going to thank you for it, Maddy” It was the first time he had said “when” instead of “if,” and they both heard it. “The truth is, he needs you, more than you need him. You needed him to fulfill your fantasies about safety and marriage. But he needs you to feed his sickness, to satisfy his bloodlust, if you will. An abuser needs a victim.” She didn't answer him as she thought about it, and then silently she nodded.

It was after three o'clock when she left him, reluctantly. She wanted to stay with him, and they kissed for a long time before she left. There was a new dimension to their relationship now, a door that had been opened and could not be closed again, nor did either of them want to.

“Take care of yourself,” he whispered to her. “Be careful.”

“I will.” And then she smiled at him as he held her. “I love you … and thank you for the caviar … and the kisses….”

“Anytime,” he smiled back at her, and he stood in the doorway and waved, as she drove away. They both had a lot to think about. Particularly Maddy

She was instantly nervous when her secretary told her Jack had called her twice in the last hour. She sat down at her desk, took a breath, and called his intercom number, terrified suddenly that someone might have seen her leaving Bill's house. And her hands were shaking when he answered.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“Christmas shopping,” she said quickly. The lie had come to her so easily that she was startled at her own willingness to deceive him. But she certainly couldn't tell him where she had been, or what she'd been doing. Although she'd thought about it on the way back, wondering if the right thing to do was to tell him the truth, that she was desperately unhappy with him, and in love with someone else. But she knew that it would be an invitation to him to abuse her. Unless she could leave immediately. And she knew she wasn't ready. In this case, honesty was not necessarily the right answer or at least not yet.

“I was calling you to tell you that I have to meet with President Armstrong tonight.” Hearing that surprised her. The President didn't seem well enough to her yet to be having evening meetings, but she didn't question him about it. It was easier not to. And she decided instantly that her suspicions about him were probably based on her own bad behavior. She hated to think about it that way. But she knew that whatever her feelings for him, what was happening with Bill was not the right thing for a married woman to be doing, however damaged and flawed the marriage happened to be.

“That's okay,” she said in answer to his plans. “I need to pick some things up on my way home.” She wanted to buy some wrapping paper, and a few little gifts for her secretary and researcher, to give them at the Christmas party, more like stocking stuffers. She had already bought them both Cartier watches. “Do you need anything?” she asked, trying to be nice to him, to make up for her transgressions.

“What are you in such a good mood about?” he asked suspiciously, and she put it down to Christmas. He told her not to wait up for him, that it could be a long meeting, which made her even more doubtful about what he was doing. But she said nothing to him.

She did both her broadcasts that night feeling as though she were walking on air, and she called Bill twice, both before and after.