Killer Pancake

The man who accosted me was short, with a thin face framed by tightly curled black hair tucked into a small ponytail, and a wiry beard. A gold earring adorned one ear. He put his hands on his waist, cocked one hip, and glared. I made him out to be in his late twenties. He was very attractive in addition to being diminutive, but neither quality quite went with the fury emanating in my direction. Crossing his arms, he yelled, “You’re either for us or against us, you know!” His black eyes blazed. “Do you care if innocent albino rabbits are tortured for makeup? Do you? Do you think you could see if you’d had a Draize test?” He folded his arms and pushed his body forward. Taking another step, he chest-bumped the steamer and bowls I carried. “Do you care about animals or not?” he demanded.

My skin prickled hot with rage. After all I’d seen today, I was in no mood for this.

“So do you care about animals or not, bitch?” he shrilled.

I announced loudly: “I’m going to pour forty pounds of vegetables on the ass in front of me if he doesn’t move.”

The demonstrator’s mouth dropped open. Unfortunately, he quickly recovered. “You don’t know about the rabbit body-count, then? Is that why you’re serving the fascists?”

I began, “You don’t know what I’ve just seen—”

“Hey, lady! Do you think I care—”

“Excuse me,” said a familiar voice behind me.

The demonstrator’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he fell silent and looked Tom over. His glance stopped on Tom’s jacket logo. “What’s this? The storm troopers protecting capitalists?” He turned his glare back to me. “You got a vested interest in being a fascist? You think eyeshadow’s going to help your looks, Ms. Plump? Take the attention away from your blond afro?” He rolled his shoulders in a muscular, he-man sort of way. Then he reared back and once again chest-bumped the food in my hands. “Guess what?” he yelled. “I’m not going to let you go in there!”

I hauled back and thrust the full weight of myself, the vegetables, and the steamed fish into him. Too late, Tom realized what I was doing and launched himself at us. Tom’s wide hands managed to catch the steamer, a heavy metal rectangle with a rigid plastic top. The covered bowl of salad greens skittered across the garage floor. No such luck with the container of vegetables. My ponytailed irritant lay at my feet decorated with roasted red peppers, thick slices of grilled mushroom, chunks of charred onion, and blobs of cooked tomato.

“Man, lady, what is your problem?” he shrieked from the floor. “Did you see that, Officer? Wasn’t that assault? I’m going to press charges!”

Tom handed me the steamer. His face was impassive. “Do not let go of this,” he ordered in that voice of his. “Get up, you,” he commanded the demonstrator. “Go on over there with your anti-fascist friends. Don’t let me see your face by this door again. Hear?”

“You pig,” the demonstrator screamed as he scrambled to his feet and brushed off vegetables. I noticed with satisfaction that the tomatoes had left long red smears on his SPARE THE HARES T-shirt. “I’ll show my face by any door I want!”

Tom Schulz loomed over him. “You want to go to jail, Jack? Try blocking public entrances again.”

“What the hell do I pay taxes for?” the demonstrator barked over his shoulder as he scurried back to his buddies.

Tom Schulz retrieved the covered bowl of greens from the garage floor and shot me a look. “You just can’t help yourself, can you?” he asked. He didn’t wait for an answer. “Where’d this come from?” He was staring at the rose that had miraculously stayed with the bowl of greens on its bounce across the asphalt.

“From the floor near where Claire”—I gestured—“over by that column. It’s probably been sprayed—”

“What column?”

I pointed.

“You found this fifteen, twenty feet from the body? And you picked it up?” he said, trying to clarify.

“I’m sorry. She was hit by … a vehicle, and I just saw the flower there on the floor—”

“Okay, wait a minute, let me go put it in an evidence bag.”

He strode away holding the flower delicately by its stem. When he returned, he said, “Goldy—no more violent encounters with the demonstrators, okay?”

“Look, I hit that guy with the food only because he was threatening me and he wouldn’t get out of my way. That’s justified, isn’t it? Oh, Lord.” I teetered backward. What did I care about some demonstrator?

Tom took hold of my shoulders, steadied me, and shook his head. “Goldy, I know you’ve taken a lot of crap in your life and now you don’t take crap anymore. Good for you. But don’t make more work for me than I already have. Next time hit the guy with your pepper spray, not an entire meal. Please? We’ve got big problems here, and we need to go take care of Julian. Let me get the door.”