Kompromat

‘Forget about brown envelopes full of fivers in exchange for a putting down a few Parliamentary Questions,’ Mabel Killick continued. ‘Some would say that the whole future of our country seems to have been up for sale. As home secretary I am in charge of the police and law enforcement, and I am interested therefore in what precisely went on. Without prejudice, of course.’

The prime minister sighed. ‘I give you my word that I never asked anyone for money and I state categorically that no money was ever paid. That was just part of the Brexit dossier. I wanted to make it as convincing as possible and the financial aspect was crucial. People are always happy to believe the worst where money is involved.’

‘Why did you need a dossier at all?’ the home secretary asked. ‘Please help me out here.’

So Jeremy Hartley, patiently and without guile, explained the whole scheme.

‘Having the commitment in the manifesto to hold a Referendum was the first crucial step. But that Referendum had to be won, and won convincingly, by Leave. Frankly, at the beginning of this year that simply didn’t look likely. Even the pro-Leave members of the Cabinet, like David Cole, were clinging on to their portfolios and the perks of office, instead of getting out on the road and campaigning for Brexit. I thought, “Good grief, we can’t just let UKIP run this one”. Simon Henley may be a good man to have a drink with. Not bad on telly, I suppose. But UKIP was really a one-man band. I had this feeling of total panic. Here we were with this tremendous opportunity and we were in danger of letting that opportunity slip through our fingers. The Leave campaign needed a leader, and they needed one fast.’

‘So you picked on Edward Barnard?’ Mabel Killick was beginning to understand what Hartley was driving at.

‘Precisely,’ Hartley replied. ‘Barnard may not be the sharpest pencil in the box but he has real leadership qualities. I thought, if Barnard takes up the challenge of leading Leave, things will begin to move in the right direction. So I worked up the Referendum dossier, as you call it, and made sure Barnard got to see it. I was absolutely convinced that, once he did, Barnard would resign on the spot from the government. But he would be driven by a sense of honour and duty not to stand on the sidelines. He would say to himself, “I can’t let the Referendum be won by trickery and subterfuge by that devious bastard, Jeremy Hartley. If it’s going to be won at all, it has to be won fair and square”.’

‘My God!’ the home secretary exclaimed. ‘How devious can you get? You made sure the Russians had the dossier and that they in turn gave it to Barnard. Wasn’t that collusion?’

‘Oh, come on, Mabel. The Russians aren’t bogeymen. We shared the same objective: getting the UK out of the EU. And if the EU, post-Brexit, itself disintegrates, is that such a bad thing? For hundreds of years, British foreign policy has aimed at stopping the creation of a single hegemonistic power on the continent of Europe. We fought Spain, we fought France, we fought the Prussians, and we fought Hitler. Even today, over there in Brussels, they’re talking about a common European defence force to supplement the disastrous Eurozone. Those guns might one day point at us. Can we really let that happen? The sooner the whole thing’s dismantled, the better for everyone.’

‘What you’re basically saying, Prime Minister,’ Mrs Killick tried to sum up, ‘is deep down, you were always a Leaver, not a Remainer even though you stood as a Remainer as far as the electorate is concerned. Your priority, in the so-called renegotiation, was to make sure that you failed, rather than succeeded. “Pretty thin gruel” was precisely what you were hoping for and that was what you got. Of course your brilliant scheme, your wizard wheeze, was almost frustrated when the EU looked as though they had a real plan to deal with migration. Fortunately Helga Brun scuppered that one at the last moment!

‘But to make your plan work, you had to stay undercover. If you had actively campaigned for Leave, you would have split the Conservative Party from head to toe. Tom Milbourne, for example, would have challenged you for the leadership on the spot. So now that you’ve announced your resignation, you’re going down with a smile on your face. Mission accomplished!”

‘Got it in one,’ Hartley said. ‘Didn’t you hear me humming that little tune, when I walked back into Number 10, after my speech this morning? People tell me the mic picked it up.’

The home secretary was curious. ‘What was that tune? I thought I recognized it.’

‘“The Eton Boating Song”,’ Hartley replied. ‘“Swing, swing together. Tum-ti-ti, tum-titi-tum!”’

Moments later, the home secretary left Downing Street by the front door. The cameras flashed.

‘Are you going to throw your hat in the ring, Home Secretary?’ Nancy Ginsberg, the BBC’s chief political reporter, called out.

Mabel Killick smiled enigmatically and strode on.