Lilian Jackson Braun - Cat 18 Who Said Cheese

Meanwhile, he went home and read some more Aristophanes to the Siamese. "Do you realize," he said to them, "that you're two of the few cats in the Western world who are getting a classical education?" They liked the part about Cloud-Cuckoo-Land, where the birds built a city in the sky. He embellished the text with birdcalls as he read about thirty thousand whooping cranes flying from Africa with the stones; curlews shaping the stones with their beaks; mud-larks mixing the mortar; ducks with feet like little trowels doing the masonry; and woodpeckers doing the carpentry. Yum Yum purred, and Koko became quite excited.

Tipsy's Tavern in North Kennebeck was a roadhouse in a sprawling log cabin-with rustic furnishings, bustling middle-aged waitresses, noisy customers, and a reputation for good steaks. Dwight ordered a glass of red wine, while Qwilleran had his usual Squunk water from a local mineral spring.

"Do you really like that stuff!' Dwight asked. "I've never tasted it."

"It's an acquired taste." Qwilleran raised his glass to the light, then sniffed it. "The color should be crystal clear; the bouquet, a delicate suggestion of fresh earth." He sipped it. "The taste: a harmonious blend of shale and clay with overtones of quartz and an aftertaste of... mud."

"You're losing it!" his dinner companion said.

Chiefly they talked about the plans for the Explo. The bombing had hurt morale downtown, but Dwight had jacked up the hype, and merchants were rallying around. That was the commercial aspect of Explo. There was more. He said:

"The K Fund, frankly, is afraid of being perceived as a year-round Santa Claus. That's why they're encouraging community fund-raising for charity. They're matching, dollar for dollar, all the money raised by the celebrity auction, bike-a-thon, pasty bake-off, etc. All proceeds will go to feed the needy this winter. There'll be more hardship than usual because of the financial scandal in Sawdust City."

"Who are the celebrities to be auctioned?" Qwilleran asked.

"The idea is to have five bachelors and five single women. In some cases, the dinner-date package will include a gift. Everything is being donated by restaurants, merchants, and other business firms. The public will pay an admission fee - high enough to discourage idle sightseers - and that'll add a couple of thousand to the take."

"Who's the auctioneer?"

"Foxy Fred. Who else? He's donating his services, and you know how good he is! People will have lots of fun... Here's a list of the packages being offered." He handed Qwilleran a printout.

1 - Dinner and dancing at the Purple Point Boat Club with Gregory Blythe, investment counselor and mayor of Pickax.

2 - Transportation by limousine to Lockmaster for a gourmet dinner at the five-star Palomino Paddock with interior designer Fran Brodie.

3 - Portrait-sitting at John Bushland's photo studio and a picnic supper on his cabin cruiser, catered by the Nasty Pasty.

4 - A cocktail dress from Aurora's Boutique and dinner at the Northern Lights Hotel with Wetherby Goode, WPKX meteorologist.

5 - A boat ride around the off-shore islands and dinner at the exclusive Grand Island Club with Elizabeth Hart, newcomer from Chicago.

6 - An afternoon of horseback riding on private bridle paths and dinner at Tipsy's with Dr. Diane Lanspeak, M.D.

7 - A motorbike tour of the county and a cook-out at the State Park with Derek Cuttlebrink, former chef at the Old Stone Mill.

8 - A poolside afternoon at the Country Club and dinner in the club gazebo with Hixie Rice, vice president of the Moose County Something.

9 - An all-you-can-eat feast and acoustic rock concert at the Hot Spot with Jennifer Olsen, the theatre club's youngest leading lady.

Qwilleran read the list, nodding at the choices and chuckling a couple of times.

Dwight asked, "How does it strike you? Have we covered the bases? We included Derek and Jennifer to get the young crowd. Derek's groupies will attend en masse, screaming."

"He's not a former chef at the Old Stone Mill," Qwilleran said. "He's a former busboy, who spent two months in the kitchen mixing coleslaw. Girls like him because he's six-feet-eight-and an actor."

Dwight was making notes. "Got it! Any other comments?"

"Everything else looks good. It's well known that Elizabeth Hart has a trust fund worth millions; that'll up the bidding... Greg Blythe will go over big. Bidders will expect to get some hot investment tips as well as the Boat Club's famous Cajun Supreme, which is really carp."

"How does Dr. Diane's package hit you, Qwill?"

"She's a personable and intelligent young woman, and everyone likes Tipsy's steaks, but not everyone cares for riding. Are substitutions allowed?"

"You mean, like a complete set of blood tests and an EKG? I doubt it. But we're advertising the auction in Lockmaster, and their horsy crowd will be up here, bidding."

Then Qwilleran said, "Wait a minute! You have only nine packages on this list."