Lone eagle

“Kate, this is who I am. If you want someone to sit at your feet all the time, get another dog.” He slammed his beer down on the table, and it spilled all over the floor. Kate made no move to clean it up, as he glared at her. She was on the verge of tears. She wanted him to understand what she was saying to him, but he didn't want to hear.

“Joe, can't you understand? I want to be with you. I love you. I get it. I know what you have to do. But this is hard for me.” Harder than he understood. But the more she tried to reach out to him, the more he pulled away. She was making him feel guilty again. His nemesis. The one thing he couldn't stand, from her, or anyone else.

“Why? Why can't you just accept the fact that I'm doing something important with my life? I'm not just doing it for me, I'm doing it for you. I love what I'm building. The world needs it.” He was right, but she needed him too. “I don't want to come home to you bugging me all the time. It's not fair. At least enjoy it when I'm here.”

In his own way, he was begging her not to reproach him. It hurt too much. But she couldn't understand that, any more than he could understand how abandoned she felt. The vicious cycle of their early years had begun again.

There was no arguing with him, no way to balance what he was accomplishing in business, and the pressures on him, with what she wanted from him. One of them had to back down, and Kate knew it had to be her. It was just a fact of their life, but it was killing her, particularly when she thought he was withdrawing from her. That only panicked her more.

In December, he was there even less. He had gone back to Hong Kong to meet with bankers there, and they were giving him a tough time. And she knew he still had to stop in California on the way home. There were problems at the plant, and the engine for one of his latest designs had failed. There had been yet another death, and he took the blame. He was sure that this time, it was an error of design. But he had sworn to her that, no matter what happened, he would be home on Christmas Eve. And she was counting on him. He had promised that, come hell or high water, he would be home that day. He had even told her that he would skip the trip to California, if he had to, and go back after the holidays. The last thing she'd heard was that he'd be home on Christmas Eve.

The phone rang in the morning while she was decorating the tree with Reed. He was squealing with excitement, and she was humming to herself when the phone rang. She had talked to Hazel, Joe's secretary, after breakfast, and she hadn't had confirmation, but she was sure Joe was on the flight back. He had told her it was what he planned to do, when she spoke to him the day before. And he had said as much to Kate.

She answered the phone, and it was Joe. She could hear immediately that it was long distance. The operator put through the call, and she could hardly hear him. He was shouting into the phone.

“What? Where are you?” She shouted back.

“I'm still in Japan.” She could hardly hear his voice, but her heart sank at the words.

“Why?”

“I missed my flight.” There was static and interference on the line, but she could hear him a little more clearly as she tried not to cry. “Meetings… had to go to more meetings… very difficult situation here….” There were tears in her eyes and she knew she had to say something, but there was a long pause. “I'm sorry, baby… be home in a few days…. Kate?… Kate?… Are you there? Can you hear me?”

“I can hear you,” she said, as she wiped her eyes. “I miss you…. When are you coming back?”

“Maybe two days.” Which probably meant three or four or five. It was always longer than he said, through no fault of his. He was trying to do too much.

“I'll see you when you get back,” she said, trying not to sound upset. She knew how much he hated that. And at this distance, there was no point arguing about it. It wouldn't change anything. She didn't want to badger him, or drive him even further away. She wanted so much to be a good wife to Joe, whatever that entailed.

“Merry Christmas… kiss the kids….” His voice was fading out.

“I love you!” she shouted back into the phone, hoping he could hear her. “Merry Christmas!… I love you, Joe!” But he was gone. They had lost the line. And as Reed watched her standing next to the Christmas tree, she sat in her chair and cried.

“Don't be sad, Mommy.” He came and got on her lap and she held him. She wasn't angry, she was bitterly disappointed. She knew it probably wasn't his fault, but it was painful anyway. He wouldn't be there for Christmas, and then she forced herself to remember what it had been like when he'd been shot down. She thought he was dead. Now at least she knew he was coming back. She set Reed back on his feet, and went to blow her nose. There was nothing she could do about it. They'd just have to make the best of it, and celebrate Christmas with him when he came home. She was determined not to let him know how upset she was.