Midsummer's Eve

The idea of his living at Cador, which he had always wanted, with that woman, was more than I could bear. It made me angry and then desperately unhappy.

I saw Joe before he went back to the North.

We went again to the Sailor's Rest.

He said: "I'm going back tomorrow, Annora. But I shall come up again. I was thinking you might like to pay us a visit. My parents would like to see you.”

"Perhaps I will, Joe.”

"It's a different life up there, you know.”

"I'm sure of it.”

"I've thought a lot about you. I believe you think I am rather weak.”

I was silent for a moment, then I said: "What I think is, Joe, that if you want something, you have to take some action; you have to get it. You can't let it slip through your fingers. If you do, you're going to regret it all your life.”

I was speaking for myself really. Joe still had a chance. I had lost mine.

He said: "I shall come back, Annora. Think of me ... and then we'll meet again.”

I knew what he was suggesting. There was a bond of friendship between us. We had always had a fondness for each other. Could it grow to something stronger?

I was thinking: Is this a way of escape? Could I go to the North of England among more hardy, down-to-earth folk? It would be a complete breakaway.

I liked Joe. I was not in love with him by any means. Helena had not been in love with Matthew when she married him. But I was not Helena ... and I loved Rolf.

But she had loved John Milward. But had she really? What was it she had said recently: "I don't think I really loved John so much as what he stood for. He was the only one who had taken notice of me and I loved him for that. He was a symbol to me that I could be attractive too. Perhaps that was what I felt for him and when he deserted me because of his family I thought I was heartbroken because of him ... but it wasn't really so. It was because of what he stood for. Then there was Matthew. I didn't love him at all but he was so good to me ... he's such a good man. I can help him. I'm happy with him ... happier than I ever thought I could be after John had gone.”

That might be how it was with her. It was different with me. I wanted Rolf. I always had. I had thought of him constantly. I had compared everyone with Rolf and they had all seemed wanting.

How greatly he had desired Cador ... always. He loved the place. I could see how much he had wanted Cador, just as Uncle Peter wanted power.

They were the sort of men who set out to get what they wanted, letting nothing stand in their way.

John Milward ... Joe Cresswell ... they were different.

Now I had to stop brooding. Rolf was lost to me forever and I had to go on.

How?

Joe? I could be very fond of Joe. I had liked his parents. I was very fond of his sister Frances. I could picture quite a happy life with Joe ... if I could forget Rolf. I had to forget Rolf.

I could devote myself to work in Frances's Mission. That would be satisfying.

I wanted to start afresh. I had to, because all the time I had been really waiting for Rolf. What I had in my heart been hoping he would do was come to London to woo me, to insist on my returning to Cornwall.

I must have been foolish. I had deserted him on the day I was to have married him and I could not have dealt him a more humiliating blow. It was more than a man could endure.

Besides, it had been Cador he wanted; and he had that now.

Let me be sensible, I prayed. I have been telling Joe that he should be. Now let me tell myself.

I had an income from my mother. I was not rich but on the other hand I was not poor.

I was in a position to make a decision. I could not go on drifting.

I must sever all links with Cornwall, I told myself. I will sell Croft Cottage, and then there will be no more temptation to return to it.

When I told Uncle Peter and Aunt Amaryllis of my plans, Uncle Peter said: "You should write to Tamblin. He can see to everything.”

"No," I said. "I want to arrange the sale myself.”

"My dear girl, you'd have to stay there. You wouldn't want to do that ... not in that little cottage.”

"But I should, Uncle Peter.”

"Wouldn't you feel unhappy being so close to Cador?" suggested Aunt Amaryllis. "All those memories.”

"I do want to do this my way. I don't want to leave it to Mr. Tamblin. I want to be there once more ... just to say my final farewell to the old place.”

"Well, if you want to do it your way, you must," said Uncle Peter. "But remember it might not be easy to find a buyer.”

"I expect you want to go through the things you have stored up there," said Aunt Amaryllis. "And I daresay you'll want to keep some of them.”

"Yes, that is so.”

"You can't go alone," said Uncle Peter, frowning.

"I've thought of that. There is a young woman at the Mission. Her name is Kitty.

I took quite a fancy to her. I thought I would employ her as a maid and take her with me.”

"A girl from the Mission!" cried Uncle Peter. "What sort of girl?”