Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

CHILDREN PASS ON THE MESSAGES

Another way we know that children learn these messages is that we can see how they pass them on. Even young children are ready to pass on the wisdom they’ve learned. We asked second-grade children: “What advice would you give to a child in your class who was having trouble in math?” Here’s the advice from a child with the growth mindset:

Do you quit a lot? Do you think for a minute and then stop? If you do, you should think for a long time—two minutes maybe and if you can’t get it you should read the problem again. If you can’t get it then, you should raise your hand and ask the teacher.

Isn’t that the greatest? The advice from children with the fixed mset was not nearly as useful. Since there’s no recipe for success in the fixed mindset, their advice tended to be short and sweet. “I’m sorry” was the advice of one child as he offered his condolences.

Even babies can pass along the messages they’ve received. Mary Main and Carol George studied abused children, who had been judged and punished by their parents for crying or making a fuss. Abusive parents often don’t understand that children’s crying is a signal of their needs, or that babies can’t stop crying on command. Instead, they judge the child as disobedient, willful, or bad for crying.

Main and George watched the abused children (who were one to three years old) in their day care setting, observing how they reacted when other children were in distress and crying. The abused children often became angry at the distressed children, and some even tried to assault them. They had gotten the message that children who cry are to be judged and punished.

We often think that the legacy of abuse gets passed on to others only when the victims of abuse become parents. But this amazing study shows that children learn lessons early and they act on them.

How did nonabused children react to their distressed classmate, by the way? They showed sympathy. Many went over to the crying child to see what was wrong and to see if they could help out.

ISN’T DISCIPLINE TEACHING?

Many parents think that when they judge and punish, they are teaching, as in “I’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.” What are they teaching? They are teaching their children that if they go against the parents’ rules or values, they’ll be judged and punished. They’re not teaching their children how to think through the issues and come to ethical, mature decisions on their own.

And chances are, they’re not teaching their children that the channels of communication are open.

Sixteen-year-old Alyssa came to her mother and said that she and her friends wanted to try alcohol. Could she invite them over for a “cocktail party”? On the face of it, this might seem outrageous. But here’s what Alyssa meant. She and her friends had been going to parties where alcohol was available, but they didn’t want to try it in a setting where they didn’t feel safe and in control. They also didn’t want to drive home after drinking. They wanted to try it in a supervised setting, with their parents’ permission, where their parents could come and pick them up afterward.

It doesn’t matter whether Alyssa’s parents said yes or no. They had a full discussion of the issues involved. They had a far more instructive discussion than what would have followed from an outraged, angry, and judgmental dismissal.

It’s not that growth-minded parents indulge and coddle their children. Not at all. They set high standards, but they teach the children how to reach them. They say no, but it’s a fair, thoughtful, and respectful no. Next time you’re in a position to discipline, ask yourself, What is the message I’m sending here: I will judge and punish you? Or I will help you think and learn?

MINDSETS CAN BE A LIFE-AND-DEATH MATTER

Of course parents want the best for their children, but sometimes parents put their children in danger. Ashe director of undergraduate studies for my department at Columbia, I saw a lot of students in trouble. Here is the story of a great kid who almost didn’t make it.

Sandy showed up in my office at Columbia one week before graduation. She wanted to change her major to psychology. This is basically a wacky request, but I sensed her desperation and listened carefully to her story. When I looked over her record, it was filled with A+’s and F’s. What was going on?