Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

Dorothy DeLay, the famous violin teacher, encountered pressure-cooker parents all the time. Parents who cared more about talent, image, and labels than about the child’s long-term learning.

One set of parents brought their eight-year-old boy to play for DeLay. Despite her warnings, they had made him memorize the Beethoven violin concerto. He was note-perfect, but he played like a frightened robot. They had, in fact, ruined his playing to suit their idea of talent, as in, “My eight-year-old can play the Beethoven violin concerto. What can yours do?”

DeLay spent countless hours with a mother who insisted it was time for her son to be signed by a fancy talent agency. But had she followed DeLay’s advice? No. For quite a while, DeLay had been warning her that her son didn’t have a large enough repertoire. Rather than heeding the expert advice and fostering her son’s development, however, the mother refused to believe that anyone could turn down a talent like his for such a slight reason.

In sharp contrast was Yura Lee’s mother. Mrs. Lee always sat serenely during Yura’s lesson, without the tension and frantic note taking of some of the other parents. She smiled, she swayed to the music, she enjoyed herself. As a result, Yura did not develop the anxieties and insecurities that children with overinvested, judgmental parents do. Says Yura, “I’m always happy when I play.”

IDEALS

Isn’t it natural for parents to set goals and have ideals for their children? Yes, but some ideals are helpful and others are not. We asked college students to describe their ideal of a successful student. And we asked them to tell us how they thought they measured up to that ideal.

Students with the fixed mindset described ideals that could not be worked toward. You had it or you didn’t.

“The ideal successful student is one who comes in with innate talent.”

“Genius, physically fit and good at sports.… They got there based on natural ability.”

Did they think they measured up to their ideal? Mostly not. Instead, they said these ideals disrupted their thinking, made them procrastinate, made them give up, and made them stressed-out. They were demoralized by the ideal they could never hope to be.

Students with the growth mindset described ideals like these:

“A successful student is one whose primary goal is to expand their knowledge and their ways of thinking and investigating the world. They do not see grades as an end in themselves but as means to continue to grow.”

Or: “The ideal student values knowledge for its own sake, as well as for its instrumental uses. He or she hopes to make a contribution to society at large.”

Were they similar to their ideal? They were working toward it. “As similar as I can be—hey, it takes effort.” Or: “I believed for many years that grades/tests were the most important thing but I am trying to move beyond that.” Their ideals were inspiring to them.

When parents give their children a fixed-mindset ideal, they are asking them to fit the mold of the brilliant, talented child, or be deemed unworthy. There is no room for error. And there is no room for the children’s individuality—their interests, their quirks, their desires and values. I can hardly count the times fixed-mindset parents have wrung their hands and told me how their children were rebelling or dropping out.

Haim Ginott describes Nicholas, age seventeen:

In my father’s mind there is a picture of an ideal son. When he compares him to me, he is deeply disappointed. I don’t live up to my father’s dream. Since early childhood, I sensed his disappointment. He tried to hide it, but it came out in a hundred little ways—in his tone, in his words, in his silence. He tried hard to make me a carbon copy of his dreams. When he failed he gave up on me. But he left a deep scar, a permanent feeling of failure.

When parents help their children construct growth-minded ideals, they are giving them something they can strive for. They are also giving their children growing room, room to grow into full human beings who will make their contribution to society in a way that excites them. I have rarely heard a growth-minded parent say, “I am disappointed in my child.” Instead, with a beaming smile, they say, “I am amazed at the incredible person my child has become.”

Everything I’ve said about parents applies to teachers, too. But teachers have additional concerns. They face large classes of students with differing skills, whose past learning they’ve had no part in. What’s the best way to educate these students?

TEACHERS (AND PARENTS):

WHAT MAKES A GREAT TEACHER (OR PARENT)?

Many educators think that lowering their standards will give students success experiences, boost their self-esteem, and raise their achievement. It comes from the same philosophy as the overpraising of students’ intelligence. Well, it doesn’t work. Lowering standards just leads to poorly educated students who feel entitled to easy work and lavish praise.