Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

Sandy had been groomed by her parents to go to Harvard. Because of their fixed mindset, the only goal of Sandy’s education was to prove her worth and competence (and perhaps theirs) by gaining admission to Harvard. Going there would mean that she was truly intelligent. For them, it was not about learning. It was not about pursuing her love of science. It was not even about making a great contribution. It was about the label. But she didn’t get in. And she fell into a depression that had plagued her ever since. Sometimes she managed to work effectively (the A+’s), but sometimes she did not (the F’s).

I knew that if I didn’t help her she wouldn’t graduate, and if she didn’t graduate she wouldn’t be able to face her parents. And if she couldn’t face her parents, I didn’t know what would happen.

I was legitimately able to help Sandy graduate, but that isn’t really the point. It’s a real tragedy to take a brilliant and wonderful kid like Sandy and crush her with the weight of these labels.

I hope these stories will teach parents to “want the best” for their children in the right way—by fostering their interests, growth, and learning.

WANTING THE BEST IN THE WORST WAY

Let’s look more closely at the message from Sandy’s parents: We don’t care about who you are, what you’re interested in, and what you can become. We don’t care about learning. We will love and respect you only if you go to Harvard.

Mark’s parents felt the same way. Mark was an exceptional math student, and as he finished junior high he was excited about going to Stuyvesant High School, a special high school in New York with a strong math-and-science curriculum. There, he would study math with the best teachers and talk math with the most advanced students in the city. Stuyvesant also had a program that would let him take college math courses at Columbia as soon as he was ready.

But at the last moment, his parents would not let him go. They had heard that it was hard to get into Harvard from Stuyvesant. So they made him go to a different high school.

It didn’t matter that he wouldn’t be able to pursue his interests or develop his talents as well. Only one thing mattered, and it starts with an H.

“WE LOVE YOU—ON OUR TERMS”

It’s not just I’m judging you. It’s I’m judging you and I’ll only love you if you succeed—on my terms.

We’ve studied kids ranging from six years old to college age. Those with the fixed mindset feel their parents won’t love and respect them unless they fulfill their parents’ aspirations for them. The college students say:

“I often feel like my parents won’t value me if I’m not as sssful as they would like.”

Or: “My parents say I can be anything I like, but deep down I feel they won’t approve of me unless I pursue a profession they admire.”

John McEnroe’s father was like that. He was judgmental—everything was black-and-white—and he put on the pressure. “My parents pushed me.… My dad was the one mainly. He seemed to live for my growing little junior career.… I remember telling my dad that I wasn’t enjoying it. I’d say, ‘Do you have to come to every match? Do you have to come to this practice? Can’t you take one off?’ ”

McEnroe brought his father the success he craved, but McEnroe didn’t enjoy a moment of it. He says he enjoyed the consequences of his success—being at the top, the adulation, and the money. However, he says, “Many athletes seem truly to love to play their sport. I don’t think I ever felt that way about tennis.”

I think he did love it at the very beginning, because he talks about how at first he was fascinated by all the different ways you could hit a ball and create new shots. But we never hear about that kind of fascination again. Mr. McEnroe saw his boy was good at tennis and on went the pressure, the judgment, and the love that depended on his son’s success.

Tiger Woods’s father presents a contrast. There’s no doubt that this guy is ambitious. He also sees his son as a chosen person with a God-given destiny, but he fostered Tiger’s love of golf and raised Tiger to focus on growth and learning. “If Tiger had wanted to be a plumber, I wouldn’t have minded, as long as he was a hell of a plumber. The goal was for him to be a good person. He’s a great person.” Tiger says in return, “My parents have been the biggest influence in my life. They taught me to give of myself, my time, talent, and, most of all, my love.” This shows that you can have superinvolved parents who still foster the child’s own growth, rather than replacing it with their own pressure and judgments.