Mything Persons

"Hi there Vilhelm's the name Your problem is my

problem Don't sit down Standing problems I solve for

free Sitting problems I charge for Reasonable rates Just

a minor percentage off the top What can I do for you?"

That was sort of all one sentence in that he didn't

pause for breath. He did, however, seize my hand,

pump it twice, then repeated the same procedure with

Massha, then grabbed my hand again ... all before he

stopped talking.

All in all, it was a little overpowering. I had a flash

impression of a short, stocky character with plump rosy

cheeks and a bad case of the fidgets. I had deliberately

tried not to speculate on what the Dispatcher would

look like, but a cherub vampire still caught me a little

off-guard.

"I... ummm... how did you know I have a prob-

lem?"

That earned me an extra squeeze of the hand and a

wink.

"Nobody comes in here unless they've got a prob-

lem," he said, finally slowing down his speech a bit. "I

mean, I could always use a bit of help, but does anyone

MYTH-ING PERSONS 5B

leap forward to lend a hand? Fat chance. Seems like the

only time I see another face in the flesh is when it means

more work for me. Prove me wrong... please! Tell me

you came in here to take over for an hour or so to let me

duck out for a bite to drink."

"Well, actually, we've got a problem and we were

told....,"

"See! What did I tell you? All right. What have you

got? A standing or a sitting problem? Standing prob-

lems I handle for...."

He was off again. In a desperate effort to keep our

visit short, I interrupted his pitch.

"We're looking for a friend who...."

"Say no more! A friend! Just a second!"

With that he vaulted back into his chair, grabbed the

top off a strange-looking appliance on his desk, diddled

with it briefly, then started talking into it.

"Yea Darwin? Vilhelm. I need ... sure...."

Leaning back in his chair, he tucked the gadget under

one side of his head and grabbed another.

"This is Vilhelm, Is Kay around? ... Well, put her on

when she's done...."

The second gadget slid in under the same ear as the

first and he reached for yet another.

"I know I shouldn't ask this," I murmured to

Massha, "but what's he doing?"

"Those are telephones," she whispered back as a

fourth instrument came into play. "You talk into one

end of it and whoever's at the other end can hear you

and talk back. It beats running all over town to find an

answer."

By this time, the little vampire had so many instru-

ments hung from his shoulders and arms he looked like

he was being attacked by a nest of snakes. He seemed to

be handling it well, though, talking first into one, then

54 Robert Asprin

another, apparently keeping multiple conversations

going at once like a juggler handles a basket full of

balls.

"Gee, that's kind of neat!" I exclaimed. "Do you

think we could get some of these for our place at the

Bazaar?"

"Believe me, they're more trouble than they're

worth," Massha said. "In nothing flat you find you're

spending all your time on the phone talking to people

and not accomplishing anything. Besides, ever since

they broke up the corporation...."

"I think I've got it!" Vilhelm announced, jumping

down to floor-level again. "I've got one friend for you

definite, but to be honest with you he's only so-so. I've

got call-backs coming on two others, so let's see what

they're like before you commit on the definite. Okay?"

"Ummm ... I think there's some kind of mistake

here," I said desperately, trying to stop the madness

before it progressed any further. "I'm not trying to find

a new friend. I'm trying to locate a friend I already have

who may be here in town.''

He blinked several times as this news sank in. He

started to turn back to his phones in an involuntary mo-

tion, then waved a hand at them in disgusted dismissal.

"Heck with it," he said with a sigh. "If they can

come up with anything, I can always fob 'em off on

someone else for a profit. Now then, let's try this again.

You're looking for someone specific. Are they a townie

or a transient? It would help if you gave me a little

something to go on, you know."

He seemed a little annoyed, and I would have liked to

do or say something to cheer him up. Before I could

think of anything, however, my apprentice decided to

join the conversation.

"This is quite a layout you've got, Fast Worker.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 55

Mind if I ask exactly what it is you do?"

As always, Massha's "people sense" proved to be

better than mine. The little vampire brightened notice-

ably at the compliment, and his chest puffed out as he

launched into his narration.

"Well, the job was originally billed as Dispatcher...

you know, as in Dispatcher of Nightmares. But anyway,

like any job, it turned out to involve a lot of things that

aren't on the job description. Now it's sort of a com-

bination of dispatcher, travel agent, lost and found, and

missing persons bureau."

"Nightmares?" I questioned, unable to contain my-

self.

"Sure. Anything that comes out of Limbo, be it

dreams or the real thing, comes through here. Where're

you from that you didn't know that?"