Southern Lights: A Novel

“Then you did a really stupid thing, Tom.” It helped her to say it, and she felt better after she did.

“Yes, I did. I agree with you. Totally. And if it’s any consolation, I’ve regretted it ever since.” She didn’t want him to go there. She didn’t want to know. They ordered lunch then, and both ordered crab cakes and lobster bisque. It had always been their favorite meal. Some things hadn’t changed. Alexa told herself that the only thing they still had in common was the food.

They talked about other things then. Savannah. Her trial. His bank. Travis and Henry. Alexa mentioned in passing that Savannah had said Henry was gay and liked him a lot. She didn’t think his lifestyle shocking and expected Tom to be reasonable about it, but she saw instantly that he looked pained.

“I’m sorry. Are you upset about it?” It was hard to believe in this day and age, but she also knew how conservative Tom was, and old-fashioned.

“Sometimes. I guess it’s just the way he is. But it’s not a life that I wanted for one of my sons. But in the end, I just want him to be happy. His mother denies it, which makes it harder for Henry.”

“That’s stupid of her,” Alexa said bluntly, and then winced. “Sorry. I just feel sorry for Henry if he can’t be himself with both of you. Is Travis okay with it? He’s as conservative as you are.” She knew them all well, even if she hadn’t seen them for ten years, and left the boys in their teens. It was totally odd to her to be sitting at a lunch table with Tom, talking as though they were old friends, instead of her being the woman who had loved him, and been his wife, and whom he had spurned for another. Life really was strange.

“I think Travis tries to be understanding about it, but you’re right, he’s pretty straitlaced. The boys aren’t as close anymore, now that they’re grown up. They’re very different.”

“They always were,” Alexa said quietly. “That’s too bad if they’re not close,” she said sadly. “They were then.” Tom was embarrassed not to have been more supportive of his son. It was one more thing for him to feel guilty about, like so many others. He had a lot on his list to repent for, and Alexa was at the top of that list.

“I meant what I said before,” he said over coffee and warm peach cobbler for dessert. He took his with vanilla ice cream, she without. Same old habits again. For an instant, she could distinctly remember being his wife, what it had felt like, and how much she had loved it, particularly when Savannah was little. They had been so in love then, and Alexa had stayed in love with him right till the end.

“About what?” Alexa asked as she ate the dessert that melted in her mouth. She’d forgotten what he’d said earlier. They had touched on a lot of subjects, including their daughter, who he acknowledged was wonderful and gave her full credit for, which she deserved.

“I meant it when I said that I’ve regretted leaving you every day since.” He looked sorrowful and depressed as he said it, and her eyes hardened at the words.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Tom. That’s a hard way to live.”

“Yes, it is.” He was feeling sorry for himself. Alexa’s eyes went cold.

“So is getting thrown out by your husband whom you love and trust, for another woman, who abandoned him before, and came back because it was convenient. It would have been nice if you’d seen through that.” He nodded, he could see again how hurt Alexa was, and how unforgiving. Her walls had gone up the minute he brought up the subject.

“I’m not suggesting you take me back,” he explained to her.

“Good, because I wouldn’t. Not in a hundred years.” She wanted that entirely clear, particularly if they were going to attempt to be friends. She wanted clear boundaries with him, and no confusion, for him, or herself. He was still a very attractive man, and she had loved him. She didn’t want this to be dangerous for her. And he would be if she fell for him again. He had already proven to her once in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t a man of his word. She could never trust him again, no matter how much she had loved him, or how handsome and charming he still was.

“I just wanted you to know how sorry I am.”

“So am I. I’ve never trusted another man again, and probably never will.” She blamed it entirely on him.

“That’s awful,” he said sadly, feeling guilty again and looking woebegone.

“Maybe. But it’s real. For me anyway. I could never trust another man not to do the same thing. I thought we were married forever.”

“So did I. And then Luisa came back, and I fucked it all up, for both of us.” Alexa nodded. She didn’t want to rehash their marriage with him over lunch. “Just know that I regret it, and I’ve never had a happy day since. She’s a miserable person.”

“Then why don’t you divorce her? Not for me. For yourself.”

“I just don’t want to go through that again. Our divorce nearly killed me.”