Southern Lights: A Novel

“Funny, me too,” Alexa said bitterly, and then laughed at herself. “Sorry, I guess I’m still pretty pissed. My mother says I have to get over it, but it’s hard to do. I saw a shrink about it for five years, and finally stopped going. I was just as pissed after five years, and just as hurt, and just as bitter. I guess it takes longer than that. For me, anyway. I’m a slow healer. I broke my arm once, and it took six months to heal instead of six weeks.”

“I know,” he said, near tears, “I was with you.”

“Oh.” She looked down at her plate for a minute and then back at him. “Look, let’s be honest. I’m sure somewhere I still love you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t hate you so much, or wouldn’t have. I don’t think I hate you right now. I’m not even pissed. We had a nice lunch and I enjoyed it. We have a beautiful daughter, and I loved you with all my heart. Maybe I always will in some secret place in my heart. Maybe ‘until death do us part’ is for real. I hope not, but it could be. I hate that you left me for Luisa and abandoned us. But you did.

“You’re doing a nice thing for Savannah and I appreciate it, seriously. I don’t have to worry about her right now because she’s with you, and that means a lot. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders. And you’re still the most handsome man I know, and the most charming. I loved living here with you, and the South, until I hated that too because you were southern. And maybe we can be friends now. But I don’t want to fool either of us that we can do it again. I won’t do to Luisa what she did to me, or what you did. I won’t sneak around with you. I don’t want to fall in love with you again. I think it would be lethal for me, particularly if you hurt me again. I don’t ever want to give that another chance, whether you’re sorry or not. I can’t. I don’t have it in me. It’s taken me over ten years to get this far, to get over you. And I want to keep going. Maybe now we can be friends, but that’s all we can ever be, and all I want from you, if that. And if Luisa makes you miserable, then divorce her. But even if you do, all I want is to be your friend. We’re Savannah’s parents, so it’ll be nice if we can be civilized. But I don’t want to hold out any hope to you that it’s more than that.” She had been totally clear and totally fair with him. She always had been, which was one of the million things he loved about her and had forgotten, or tried to.

“I get it, Alexa. I’m sorry that I even brought it up. I just wanted you to know that I still love you and I’m sorry.” Hearing it made her mad again. It wasn’t fair of him to tell her that he was in love with her. Not now, ten years later, after all she’d been through since, all the pain, all the agony, all the tears over him. She looked at him with fury in her eyes.

“Don’t ever tell me that again. It’s self-serving. You’re sorry now, but where were you for the last ten years? With Luisa. If you never say that again, maybe we can be friends. Deal?”

He nodded somberly, and knew he was lucky she was even willing to do that. “Deal. I’m sorry.”

“Good. Go home to your wife now, or whatever you want to do. I’m going to meet Savannah at the soccer game.” He nodded, a little shaken, or even a lot, by what she had said. Somehow, foolishly, he had hoped he could still get her back. He had thought of it when he saw her in New York, but didn’t know how to do it. And he hoped that she might feel that way too. She didn’t. He had hurt her way too much for her to ever come back to him. She might forgive him, but she would never take him back. There was no doubt in his mind now. Or hers.

They walked outside after he paid the check, and she smiled at him. “Thank you. I feel better.” She had waited ten years to say those things to him, and had finally had the chance. She knew that that had been a gift. He didn’t feel better, and she could see it. But that was no longer her problem.

She left him outside the restaurant and drove to the soccer game, and found Savannah just leaving the bleachers. There was a tall handsome boy waiting for her on the field, and other kids leaving the game too. Savannah was smiling at him, with a whole world in her eyes, and it made Alexa’s heart ache to see it. She told herself that if this boy hurt her, she would have to kill him. Not really, but she would want to. She was still shaken by what Tom had said to her at lunch. If she had let him, he would have dumped Luisa and come back to her. Maybe. Or had an affair with her and broken her heart again. If his mother had even let him do that, or if he had the balls, which she knew he didn’t. Luisa and his mother had them. It hadn’t been fair of him to say he still loved her, but at least he had said he was sorry and seemed to mean it. Maybe that was enough. She felt lighter than she had in years.

Savannah introduced her to Turner when her mother walked across the field and reached them.

“Turner, this is my mom.”