The Collector

 "But you don't! Belonging's two things. One who gives and one who accepts what's given. You don't belong to me because I can't accept you. I can't give you anything back."

 I don't want much.

 "I know you don't. Only the things that I have to give anyway. The way I look and speak and move. But I'm other things. I have other things to give. And I can't give them to you, because I don't love you."

 I said, that changes everything then, doesn't it. I stood up, my head was throbbing. She knew what I meant at once, I could see it in her face, but she pretended not to understand.

 "What do you mean?"

 You know what I mean, I said.

 "I'll marry you. I'll marry you as soon as you like."

 Ha ha, I said.

 "Isn't that what you wanted me to say?"

 I suppose you think I don't know you don't need witnesses and all, I said.

 "Well?"

 I don't trust you half an inch, I said.

 The way she was looking at me really made me sick. As if I wasn't human hardly. Not a sneer. Just as if I was something out of outer space. Fascinating almost.

 You think I don't see through all the soft as soap stuff, I said.

 She just said, "Ferdinand." Like she was appealing. Another of her tricks.

 Don't you Ferdinand me, I said.

 "You promised. You can't break your promise."

 I can do what I like.

 "But I don't know what you want of me. How _can_ I prove I'm your friend if you never give me a chance of doing so?"

 Shut up, I said.

 Then suddenly she acted, I knew it was coming, I was ready for it, what I wasn't ready for was the sound of a car outside. Just as it came up to the house, she reached with her foot like to warm it, but all of a sudden she kicked a burning log out of the hearth on to the carpet, at the same moment screamed and ran for the window, then seeing they were padlocked, for the door. But I got her first. I didn't get the chloroform which was in a drawer, speed was the thing. She turned and scratched and clawed at me, still screaming, but I wasn't in the mood to be gentle, I beat down her arms and got my hand over her mouth. She tore at it and bit and kicked, but I was in a panic by then. I got her round the shoulders and pulled her where the drawer was with the plastic box. She saw what it was, she tried to twist away, her head side to side, but I got the pad out and let her have it. All the time listening, of course. And watching the log, it was smouldering badly, the room was full of smoke. Well, soon as she was under good and proper, I let her go and went and put the fire out, I poured the water from a vase over it. I had to act really fast, I decided to get her down while I had time, which I did, laid her on her bed, then upstairs again to make sure the fire was really out and no one about.

 I opened the front door very casual, there was no one there, so it was O.K.

 Well, then I went down again.

 She was still out, on the bed. She looked a sight, the dress all off one shoulder. I don't know what it was, it got me excited, it gave me ideas, seeing her lying there right out. It was like I'd showed who was really the master. The dress was right off her shoulder, I could see the top of one stocking. I don't know what reminded me of it, I remembered an American film I saw once (or was it a magazine) about a man who took a drunk girl home and undressed her and put her to bed, nothing nasty, he just did that and no more and she woke up in his pyjamas.

 So I did that. I took off her dress and her stockings and left on certain articles, just the brassiere and the other so as not to go the whole hog. She looked a real picture lying there with only what Aunt Annie called strips of nothing on. (She said it was why more women got cancer.) Like she was wearing a bikini.

 It was my chance I had been waiting for. I got the old camera and took some photos, I would have taken more, only she started to move a bit, so I had to pack up and get out quick.

 I started the developing and printing right away. They came out very nice. Not artistic, but interesting.

 I never slept that night, I got in such a state. There were times I thought I would go down and give her the pad again and take other photos, it was as bad as that. I am not really that sort and I was only like it that night because of all that happened and the strain I was under. Also the champagne had a bad effect on me. And everything she said. It was what they call a culmination of circumstances.

 Things were never the same again, in spite of all that happened. Somehow it proved we could never come together, she could never understand me, I suppose she would say I never could have understood her, or would have, anyhow.

 About what I did, undressing her, when I thought after, I saw it wasn't so bad; not many would have kept control of themselves, just taken photos, it was almost a point in my favour.

 I considered what to do, I decided a letter was best. This is what I wrote:

 I am sorry for last night, I dare say you think now you cannot ever forgive me.