The Collector

I know what I am, I said.

“What are you?”

Not the sort you like.

“Don’t you know there are times when every man is attractive? Eh?” She sort of gave my head a bit of a jerk, like I was being stupid.

I didn’t, I said.

“Well, then.”

It’s what it could lead to.

“I don’t care what it leads to. You are slow.” And then all of a sudden she was kissing me again, I even felt her tongue.

“Isn’t that nice?”

Of course I had to say, yes it was. I didn’t know what her real game was, it made me nervous, quite apart from me being very nervous anyhow about kissing and all the other business.

“Come on, then. Try.”

Well, she pulled my head round. I had to do it and her mouth was very nice. Very soft.

I know I was weak. I should have told her straight out not to be disgusting. I was very weak. It was like I was drawn on against my will.

She laid her head again so I couldn’t see her face.

“Am I the first girl you’ve ever kissed?”

Don’t be daft.

“Just relax. Don’t be nervous, don’t be ashamed.”

Then she turned and was kissing me again, her eyes shut. Of course she’d had three glasses of sherry. What happened then was most embarrassing, I began to feel very worked up and I always understood (from something I heard in the army) that a gentleman always controls himself to the right moment and so I just didn’t know what to do. I thought she would be offended and so I tried to sit upright more when she took her mouth away.

“What’s wrong. Am I hurting you?”

Yes, I said.

She moved off my knees then, she unhooked her arms from my head, but she still sat very close.

“Won’t you undo my hands?”

I got up, I was shamed, I had to go to the window and pretend to do something to the curtain, all the time she watched me over the back of the sofa, kneeling on it.

“Ferdinand. What’s wrong?”

Nothing’s wrong, I said.

“There’s nothing to be frightened of.”

I’m not frightened.

“Come back then. Turn out the light. Let’s just have the firelight.”

I did what she said, I turned out the lights, but I stayed by the window.

“Come on.” Very coaxing, she was.

I said, it’s not right. You’re only pretending.

“Am I?”

You know you are.

“Why don’t you come and see?”

I didn’t move, all the time I knew it was a bad mistake. The next thing was she went and stood by the fire. I didn’t feel excited any more, I felt all cold inside. It was the surprise.

“Come and sit here.”

I’m all right here, I said.

Well, suddenly she came to me, she took my hand in her two and pulled me to the fire, I let her. When we were there she held out her hands, she had such a look, so I untied them. At once she came close and kissed me again, for which she had to stand on tiptoe almost.

Then she did something really shocking.

I could hardly believe my eyes, she stood back a step and unfastened her housecoat and she had nothing on beneath. She was stark. I didn’t give no more than a quick look, she just stood there, smiling and waiting, you could feel it, for me to make a move. She put up her arms and began to undo her hair. It was deliberate provoking, standing there naked in the shadows and firelight. I couldn’t believe it, rather I had to believe it, but I couldn’t believe it was what it seemed.

It was terrible, it made me feel sick and trembling, I wished I was on the other side of the world. It was worse than with the prostitute; I didn’t respect her, but with Miranda I knew I couldn’t stand the shame.

We stood there, she was just in front of me shaking her hair loose and I felt more and more ashamed. The next thing was she came up and began to take off my coat, then it was my tie, and she undid my shirt buttons one after the other. I was like putty in her hands. Then she started pulling my shirt out.

I kept thinking, stop it, stop it, it’s wrong, but I was too weak. The next thing was I was naked and she was against me and holding me but I was all tense, it was like a different me and a different she. I know I wasn’t normal then, not doing the expected, she did some things which I won’t say except that I would never have thought it of her. She lay beside me on the sofa and everything, but I was all twisted inside.

She made me look a proper fool. I knew what she was thinking, she was thinking this was why I was always so re-spectful. I wanted to do it, I wanted to show her I could do it so I could prove I was really respectful. I wanted her to see I could do it, then I would tell her I wasn’t going to, it was below me, and below her, it was disgusting.

Well, we lay for some time still and I felt she was despising me, I was a freak.

In the end she got up off the sofa and kneeled beside me and stroked my head.

“It happens to lots of men, it doesn’t matter.” You’d think she had all the experience in the world to have heard her.