The Complete Yes Minister

He was most indignant. ‘It’s not preying on my mind,’ he said. ‘I’ve stopped thinking about it.’

And as he left he stopped, turned to me and said: ‘Bernard, I’ll see you at six o’clock in the House of Shuffles – er, Cards – er, Commons.’

[During the following week a meeting took place at the Athenaeum Club between Sir Humphrey Appleby, Sir Arnold Robinson (the Cabinet Secretary) and – joining them later – Bernard Woolley. Sir Humphrey wrote a memo, which we found in the DAA Personnel Files at Walthamstow – Ed.]

Had a meeting with Arnold, who claimed he was unable to give me any details about the impending reshuffle. He said he was merely Cabinet Secretary, not the Political Editor of the New Standard.

However, he revealed that Brussels have asked if Hacker would be available for the next Commissionership. It seems it’s his if he wants it. A good European and all that.

B.W. [Bernard Woolley – Ed.] joined us for coffee. Arnold asked how he felt about having a new Minister. To my astonishment, B.W. said he would be sorry.

Of course, Private Secretaries often feel a certain loyalty to their Ministers, but these feelings must be kept strictly under control. Admitting these sentiments to Sir Arnold is not good for B.W.’s career.

Then, compounding his error, he said that we would all miss Hacker because he was beginning to get a grip on the job.

I sent him home at once.

Subsequently I explained, in confidence, the following essential points on the subject of reshuffles. I told him to commit them to memory.

1) Ministers with a grip on the job are a nuisance because:

(a) they argue

(b) they start to learn the facts

(c) they ask if you have carried out instructions they gave you six months ago

(d) if you tell them something is impossible, they may dig out an old submission in which you said it was easy

2) When Ministers have gone, we can wipe the slate clean and start again with a new boy

3) Prime Ministers like reshuffles – keeps everyone on the hop

4) Ministers are the only people who are frightened of them

B.W. suggested that it would be interesting if Ministers were fixed and Permanent Secretaries were shuffled around. I think he only does it to annoy. He must realise that such a plan strikes at the very heart of the system that has made Britain what she is today.

Just to be safe I instructed B.W. to memorise the following three points:

Power goes with permanence

Impermanence is impotence

Rotation is castration

Talking of which, I think that perhaps Bernard should be given a new posting before too long.

[The following day, Sir Humphrey received a crucial piece of information in a note from Sir Arnold – Ed.]

[Hacker was naturally in complete ignorance of the above information. His diaries continue below – Ed.]

July 9th

Still no news of the reshuffle.

I’ve been sitting up till late, doing my boxes. Three of them, tonight.

The papers were still full of rumours about the reshuffle. Annie asked me tonight if they’re true.

I told her I didn’t know.

She was surprised. She thought I was bound to know, as I’m in the Cabinet. But that’s the whole point – we’ll be the last to know.

Annie suggested I ask the PM. But obviously I can’t – it would make me look as though I were insecure.

The trouble is, I don’t know whether it’ll be good news. I explained this to Annie. ‘I don’t know whether I’ll be going up or down.’

‘Or just round and round, as usual,’ she said.

I asked her if, quite seriously, she thought I’d been a success. Or a failure.

She said: ‘I think you’ve done all right.’

‘But is that good enough?’

‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘Is it?’

‘I don’t know,’ I replied. ‘Is it?’

We sat and looked at each other. It’s so hard to tell. I had a sudden thought.

‘Perhaps the PM might think I’m becoming too successful. A possible challenge to the leadership.’

Annie looked up from her book, and blinked. ‘You?’ she asked.

I hadn’t actually meant me, as such, though I wasn’t all that pleased that she was so surprised.

‘No,’ I explained, ‘Martin. But with my support. So if the PM is trying to repel boarders and if Martin can’t be got rid of safely, which he can’t, not the Foreign Secretary, then . . . I’m the obvious one to be demoted. Do you see? Isolate Martin.’

She asked where I could be sent. ‘That’s easy. Lord President, Lord Privy Seal, Minister for the Arts, Minister for Sport in charge of Floods and Droughts – there’s no shortage of useless non-jobs. And Basil Corbett is out to get me,’ I reminded Annie.

‘He’s out to get everyone,’ she pointed out. That’s true.