The Complete Yes Minister

‘On the contrary, Minister,’ replied Humphrey, ‘compared with what his Permanent Secretary says, that ranks as a generous tribute.’

I wonder why Corbett did this to me – ah well, time will tell, no doubt.

July 2nd

I didn’t have to wait long for the answer. Today’s Standard contained significant and potentially worrying news.

Basil Corbett again. Every time that man comes anywhere near me I get a sharp stabbing pain in the back.

And how come I didn’t know about this impending reshuffle? How did they know? I asked Humphrey if it was true.

He was evasive, of course. ‘Minister, I am only a humble civil servant. I do not move in such exalted circles as Cabinet Ministers and journalists.’

I persisted. ‘Is this rumour true?’

‘Yes.’

A straight answer! I was somewhat taken aback. ‘How do you know,’ I asked, ‘if you don’t move in such exalted circles?’

‘I mean,’ he explained, ‘it is true that it is rumoured.’

I was worried and anxious. I still am. A reshuffle. This is full of all sorts of implications. I have hardly started on all the things that I planned to do when I got the DAA.

I started to explain this to Humphrey, who pointed out that I may not be moved in a reshuffle. I think he meant to be reassuring, but perhaps he was trying to tell me that my career is not moving forward – which it ought to be.

I asked him if that’s what he meant. Again he was evasive. ‘At least it wouldn’t be moving backwards,’ he said.

Backwards? I’d never even considered moving backwards! Perhaps he wasn’t being evasive after all.

‘Look,’ I ventured cautiously. ‘Tell me. I mean, I’m doing all right, aren’t I?’

‘Yes indeed, Minister,’ he replied smoothly. ‘You’re doing all right.’

I couldn’t quarrel with his words – well, my words, really! – but there seemed to be an air of doubt in his delivery of them.

So I turned to Bernard and said, more positively: ‘We’re doing all right, aren’t we Bernard?’

‘Yes Minister.’

That was all. No other words of encouragement seemed to be forthcoming.

I felt I had to justify myself. God knows why! ‘Yes’ I said. ‘Yes. I mean, perhaps I’m not the outstanding success of the government, but I’m not a failure, am I?’

‘No Minister,’ said Bernard, a shade dutifully, I thought. I waited. I was damned if I was going to ask for any compliments. Eventually Bernard said, ‘Um – you’re doing . . . all right.’

But did he mean it?

And if so, what did he mean?

I seemed to be in the throes of an attack of verbal diarrhoea. ‘After all,’ I said, ‘in some ways I’ve been rather successful. And if Martin goes to the Treasury there’s an outside chance I might get the Foreign Office.’

I paused. Nobody spoke. After an eternity Humphrey said, with unmistakable doubt this time, ‘Perhaps you might.’

‘You don’t sound very certain,’ I accused him.

To his credit he stuck up for himself. ‘I’m not certain, Minister,’ he replied, looking me straight in the eye.

I panicked. ‘Why not? What have you heard?’

He remained as unperturbed as ever. ‘Nothing, Minister, I assure you. That’s why I’m not certain.’

I picked up the offending newspaper, stared at it again, and cast it down to the floor.

‘Well,’ I asked bitterly, ‘how does Bob Carver in the Standard know all about this reshuffle, if we don’t?’

‘Perhaps,’ speculated Humphrey, ‘he has the PM’s ear.’

That’s the obvious answer – I was forced to agree. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Everyone knows that he’s in the PM’s pocket.’

Bernard perked up. ‘Then the PM must have a rather large ear,’ he said.

I gave him another withering glance.

I decided not to worry about it any further. I will say no more about it.

It’s pointless to worry about it. There’s nothing to worry about, anyway.

Yet.

So I briefly discussed the Word Processing Conference in Brussels. Humphrey wants us to go. But it might be before the reshuffle.

I asked Humphrey if he knew when the reshuffle would be. After all, it considerably affects the plans I might want to make.

Humphrey’s reply was as little help as usual. Something like: ‘I’m not privy to the Prime Minister’s plans for the projected reshuffle, if indeed there is to be a reshuffle, and I am therefore unaware of any projected date, if indeed there is such a date, and so I think you must proceed on the assumption that the reshuffle will not have happened and make plans for you or your successor accordingly, if indeed you are to have a successor, which of course you may not.’

I decided to decline the invitation. Just in case. I’ve seen this happen before. This is no time to go on an idiotic foreign junket. One day you’re out of your office, the next day you’re out of office.

SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS:²

I well remember that rather tense discussion. Hacker told us no less than six or seven times that he would not worry about the reshuffle, that it was pointless to worry about it and the matter was closed.

Then he bit his fingernails a lot.

As he left the office on the way to the Commons, I advised him not to let the reshuffle prey on his mind.