The Complete Yes Minister

‘I mean,’ I said gravely, ‘if metadioxin is not quite as safe as you say it is. It’s your career – this is very courageous of you.’

Professor Henderson was now very concerned. Courageous was manifestly the last thing he ever wanted to be. He was also puzzled, and not quite getting my drift. ‘I don’t understand,’ he said. ‘None of the standard tests on metadioxin show any evidence of toxicity.’

I paused for effect. Then: ‘None of the standard tests. Quite.’

I paused again, while he panicked silently.

‘What do you mean?’ he said in a high strangled voice that didn’t quite seem to belong to this tall fellow with a high forehead and big feet.

I got out my little notebook to refresh my memory. ‘Funnily enough,’ I explained, ‘I was just making a few notes in the train on the way up here. Of course, I’m not a biochemist, you understand, but I’m told that the FDA report leaves some important questions unanswered.’

He thought about this. ‘Well . . .’ he said finally, and stopped.

I went on: ‘And that some of the evidence is inconclusive, that some of the findings have been questioned, and the figures are open to other interpretations.’

Henderson tried to make sense of all this. Then he said: ‘But all figures are open to . . .’

I interrupted him. ‘Absolutely! And that different results might come from a wider and more detailed study over a longer time scale.’

‘Well, obviously . . .’ he began.

‘Yes,’ I said firmly. ‘You see. If something did go wrong – even in ten years’ time, a delayed effect – well, the press would go straight to your report. And if it turned out you’d done laboratory trials for a multinational drug company . . .’

He was appalled. ‘But that was fifteen years ago.’

‘Fourteen,’ I corrected him. (This immensely useful piece of information had been revealed by his file.) ‘And you know what the press are like – “No smoke without fire.” Even if there’s no real basis. Could be a millstone round your neck.’

I could see that Henderson was wavering, so I piled on the pressure.

‘The popular press would be merciless if anything did go wrong: DEATH AGONY OF HENDERSON REPORT VICTIMS’.

Henderson was quaking in his shoes. He was in a frightful state. ‘Yes, yes, well, I, er, I don’t know what to do. I mean. I can’t change the evidence. Metadioxin is a safe drug. The report has to say so.’

He looked at me, desperately. I carefully did not fall into the trap. I was not going to make the elementary mistake of telling him what to put in his independent report.

‘Quite,’ I agreed. ‘Quite. I can see you have no choice.’

And I left him.

As I strolled across the room to refill my cup of tea, I saw dear old Crichton slide into my chair and offer Henderson a buttered crumpet.

I knew what he was going to say. He was going to tell Henderson that it’s only the phrasing of the Conclusion that you have to worry about. That’s the only part the press ever reads.

At the moment it reads: ‘On existing evidence, the Committee can see no reason not to proceed.’

I’m sure Crichton will suggest some excellent alternative. And I’m equally sure that Henderson will take his advice.

June 22nd

Victory.

I got the final version of the Henderson Report today. It’s all exactly the same, but for the end paragraph, which has undergone the teeniest bit of redrafting.

I called Bernard at once, and told him to release the report to the press.

Then I cancelled all appointments for today, took a train to Liverpool where another protest meeting was due to take place, the press office notified the press, radio and television – and, in a glorious triumphant moment, I announced at the meeting, on television, to an enthusiastic cheering crowd that I would not be giving my approval for the BCC to manufacture Propanol.

I reckon that’s four marginals won in the next general election.

When I got home tonight I saw Sir Wally on Newsnight. He made no mention of resignation – he couldn’t, of course, he’d been completely outmanoeuvred.

He simply issued a statement in which he said that if the Henderson Report was correct to cast doubt on the safety of metadioxin it was obviously impossible to consider manufacturing it on Merseyside.

June 23rd

Sir Humphrey was angrier with me today than I’ve ever seen him.

‘Do you feel like a hero?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘Number Ten will be delighted.’

‘Probably one of the worst governmental decisions I have ever witnessed,’ he snarled. I wasn’t bothered by this open rudeness.

‘Probably one of the best political decisions I’ve ever made,’ I replied confidently.

Bernard was silent.

‘What do you think, Bernard?’ I asked cruelly.

Bernard looked desperate. ‘I think . . . that, bearing everything in mind . . . and, ah . . . after due consideration and, well . . . um . . . considering all the implications and, ah, points of view, um, that, well, in other words, I am in fact, bound to say that . . . you looked awfully good on television, Minister.’