The Complete Yes Minister

[The speech has been found in the DAA archives, and we reprint it below – Ed.]

Yes, indeed, Hacker had insisted on reading the speech that we had put into my briefcase after his address to the Architectural Association on the issue of high-rise buildings.

There was an embarrassed pause, while I whispered to him that he had today’s speech. He felt in his inside pocket, found the City Farm speech, and began to read.

Unfortunately, this only increased the already considerable embarrassment.

[Hacker’s diary continues – Ed.]

After my speech I was interviewed by Sue Lawley for Nationwide, surrounded by kids and animals as previously arranged with Bill.

While they were positioning everyone for the cameras, Mrs Phillips asked me if she could really rely on my support. I told her that of course she could. She then explained that their lease was running out at the end of the year, and they needed to get it extended.

I couldn’t involve myself too directly. I had gone there to get some personal publicity, and I’m not fully acquainted with all their circumstances. So I pointed out that this lease was not really within my sphere of influence, but that I would do what I could to help the City Farm movement flourish. This I was careful to state only in the most general terms.

Then the interview began, just as a very grubby smelly child of indeterminate sex with a sticky lollipop in its mouth was placed on my knee. I tried to show pleasure instead of disgust – which I fear would have been my natural expression.

Sue Lawley asked Mrs Phillips the first question. ‘Warden, I understand that the lease on this wonderful City Farm is due to run out at the end of the year.’

I could scarcely believe my ears as I heard Mrs Phillips reply: ‘Yes, we have been very worried about this, but I’ve just had a word with the Minister, Mr Hacker, and he has indicated that he will make sure that the farm can carry on.’

I was startled and horrified, more so when Sue Lawley turned to me and asked how I was going to ensure the continuance of the City Farm.

I started out to qualify what Mrs Phillips had said, with the usual temporising phrases like ‘let’s be absolutely clear about this’ and ‘at the end of the day’ and so forth, but somehow felt unable to deny what she’d said while the cameras were rolling. Instead, I heard myself saying, ‘the quality of life is becoming more and more important. The environment, conservation, the problems of pollution, the future of our children and our children’s children, these are today’s issues.’

[We have discovered the following series of memos that were exchanged, over the following few days, between Sir Frank Gordon, Second Permanent Secretary at the Treasury, and Sir Humphrey Appleby, see below – Ed.]

A note from Sir Frank Gordon, Second Permanent Secretary of the Treasury:

A reply from Sir Humphrey Appleby:

A reply from Sir Frank:

A reply from Sir Humphrey:

A reply from Sir Frank:

A reply from Sir Humphrey:

We also discovered a brief note to Sir Desmond Glazebrook, addressed to his home at Cadogan Square:

[Hacker’s diary continues – Ed.]

September 20th

For some reason they didn’t run the story of my visit to the City Farm in the Standard last week.

But today I got a double-page spread. Wonderful. One photo of me with a duck, another with a small multiracial girl. Great publicity for me, and the Department.

I was busy discussing the possibilities of visiting other City Farms – in Birmingham, Manchester, Glasgow, Newcastle. Preferably in the Special Development Areas. [The new euphemism for marginal constituencies – Ed.]

This happy conversation was rudely interrupted by Bernard announcing that the wretched Mrs Phillips was outside in the Private Office, demanding to see me.

I couldn’t see why. Then Bernard told me that it was announced this morning that the City Farm is being closed. This was a bombshell.

‘The lease runs out at the end of the year and it’s being turned into a car park,’ Bernard told me. ‘For Inland Revenue Inspectors.’

Bill and I both knew what the headlines would be. CHILDREN AND ANIMALS EVICTED BY TAXMEN. HACKER RENEGES ON TV PLEDGE. That sort of thing.

I told Bernard that it simply couldn’t be allowed to happen. ‘Which idiot authorised it?’ I asked.