The Complete Yes Minister

Easter Monday I slept all day, since it’s impossible to sleep at night.

Today I was back in the office and trying to handle a difficult interview with the dreadful Walter Fowler, who had somehow got wind of the petition. He seemed to find it extraordinary that I had now suppressed the petition that I started the year before last. Of course, he didn’t know that my changed circumstances had made me see the whole matter of surveillance in a fresher and clearer way.

‘I don’t follow,’ he complained. ‘You say you’re out to stop bugging and phone tapping. And now you get this petition. Two and a quarter million signatures. A terrific boost to your case. And you won’t even give me a quote saying you welcome it?’

I made an unshakeable resolve to stay silent. Anything I said was liable to be quoted. You can’t ever trust the press.

‘What about making a promise to implement its main recommendations?’

I realised that I had to break my unshakeable resolve. ‘Well you see Walter,’ I began in most condescending manner, ‘things aren’t that simple.’

‘Why not?’ he asked.

‘Security considerations,’ I said.

‘There always were,’ he said. ‘But you said yourself that “security” is the last excuse of a desperate bureaucrat.’

Irritating bastard. I resolved to stay silent again.

Then Walter said: ‘Okay. I think I’ll make it an even bigger story. MINISTER REJECTS HIS OWN PETITION.’

My resolve shook again. ‘Steady on, Walter,’ I blurted out, ‘don’t be silly.’

‘Are you accepting the petition or rejecting it?’ he asked, giving me a simple choice.

‘No,’ I replied carefully.

Then it transpired that he did know all my circumstances. ‘My Editor wants me to ask if being on the Freedom Army death list has altered your views in any way.’

Of course it has! Obviously! I’d be a complete fool if it hadn’t.

‘Certainly not,’ I said. ‘What an absurd idea! Never have occurred to me till you mentioned it just now.’

He didn’t believe me but he couldn’t prove anything. ‘But how else am I to explain this sudden change of tune?’

I was getting a bit desperate by then, but thank God Bernard knocked on the door and appeared. Saved by the bell. He told me Humphrey wanted a word with me.

Humphrey came in. Walter didn’t leave till I asked him if he minded. And he didn’t leave the building – he just said he’d wait outside till we’d finished.

Humphrey asked me if I’d had a good weekend. Sadistic bastard. He must have known what my weekend would be like, with half the Special Branch present – all those romantic rozzers with Smith and Wessons under their armpits.

He nodded sympathetically. ‘The burdens of office,’ he said.

‘This can’t go on!’ I said. Why can’t I keep my big mouth shut?

‘I’m glad you said that,’ he replied smoothly, ‘because it isn’t going to.’ My jaw dropped open. ‘We’ve just heard from the Special Branch that your protection is being withdrawn.’

Withdrawn? I was appalled. I thought he’d misunderstood me. I asked why?

‘The police have suffered an acute personnel establishment short-fall.’

I was about to ask if anybody was hurt, when I realised what he meant. Short-staffed. He meant short-staffed! And because the police were short-staffed they were going to allow me to be killed? I was horrified.

‘There is a much more real and dangerous threat to the Soviet Premier at the Chequers meeting tomorrow,’ he continued.

Much more real and dangerous? More real and dangerous to him, maybe. I searched desperately for an argument for them to protect me rather than him. ‘He’s Russian,’ I said. ‘I’m British!’

Then Sir Humphrey revealed further reasons why my protection was to be withdrawn.

‘In fact, Minister, the Special Branch are confident that the threat to your life has diminished.’

Naturally I was anxious to know how they could be so bloody confident.

‘Surveillance, Minister. They overheard a conversation.’ Humphrey seemed reluctant to tell me. I told him to spit it out, that I had a right to know, and that I wanted a straight answer!

He nodded, and then went into his normal mumbo-jumbo. God knows what he said, I couldn’t unravel it.

SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS:²

I recall what Sir Humphrey said because I minuted it at the time. He explained that in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of Hacker’s remit and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of Hacker’s influence on the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, there would be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate Hacker’s liquidation from their immediate agenda.

[Hacker’s diary continues – Ed.]

So I asked him to put it into English. He then said that the Freedom Army had apparently decided that I wasn’t really important enough for it to be worth assassinating me.

He put it as gently as he could, I could see that. Even so, it was a bit of a blow. Not that they’d decided not to assassinate me, of course, but a bit of a blow to my pride nonetheless.