The Complete Yes Minister

‘Well Minister, I suppose I should point out that some weak Ministers might have doubts, in view of the similarity of the names, but no one with any backbone would be deflected from such a beneficial project on such a flimsy pretext.’

So that’s all that it was. The similarity of the names. Humphrey was right. I told him so in the most forthright terms. ‘Absolutely! I know the sort of Minister you mean. Political jellyfish. Frightened of taking any decision that might upset someone. After all, every decision upsets someone. Government is about doing what’s right, not doing what’s popular. Eh, Humphrey?’

Humphrey was full of approval. ‘I couldn’t have expressed it better myself, Minister.’ Conceited bugger. ‘I’ll tell Sir Wally to go ahead.’

This sounded a touch more hurried than usual. I stopped Humphrey as he walked to the door, and sought further reassurance.

‘Um . . . this decision will be popular, though, won’t it?’

‘Very popular,’ Humphrey replied firmly.

I still felt a certain nagging worry, somewhere in my bones. ‘Humphrey, I just want to be clear on this. You’re not asking me to take a courageous decision, are you?’

Humphrey was visibly shocked. ‘Of course not, Minister,’ he insisted. ‘Not even a controversial one. What a suggestion!’

[Readers of these diaries will doubtless recall that whereas a controversial decision will merely lose you votes, a courageous decision will lose you the election – Ed.]

Nonetheless, if I let it go at this, if anything went wrong I knew I should have to carry the can. So I suggested that perhaps we might take this matter to Cabinet.

‘In my opinion,’ Humphrey answered revealingly, ‘the less said about this the better.’

‘Why?’

‘Because,’ he said patiently, ‘although metadioxin is totally harmless, the name might cause anxiety in ignorant and prejudiced minds.’

I was about to tick him off for referring to my Cabinet colleagues in this way (right though he was!) when I realised that he was referring to Friends of the Earth and other crank pressure groups.

June 7th

The matter of the Propanol plant is still not fully agreed. Joan Littler, MP for Liverpool South-West, came to see me today.

I didn’t even know she was coming. I checked with Bernard, who reminded me that not only is she the PM’s PPS [Parliamentary Private Secretary, the first – and unpaid – rung on the government ladder – Ed.] but also that the new Propanol plant would be in her constituency.

I told Bernard to bring her in. To my surprise (well, not quite to my surprise) Humphrey appeared at the door and asked if he could join us.

She came in, and I introduced her to Humphrey. She’s in her late thirties, quite attractive in a pulled-through-a-hedge-backwards Shirley Williams’ sort of way, and her slightly soft feminine manner disguises a hard-nosed opportunist. And she has the PM’s ear, of course.

There was something rather aggressive about her opening gambit.

‘Look here, Jim, what’s the British Chemical Corporation up to in my constituency?’

‘Well . . .’ I began.

Sir Humphrey interrupted. ‘They will shortly be announcing a very exciting project involving new jobs and new investment.’

She nodded, and turned to me. ‘Yes, but there are some very worrying rumours about this project.’

‘Such as?’ I enquired in my most helpful tone.

She eyed me carefully. ‘Rumours about dangerous chemicals.’

I nodded. ‘Yes, well,’ I began, ‘obviously all chemicals have some element of danger . . .’

Humphrey interrupted again. ‘The Minister means that the rumours are completely unfounded and there is no cause for alarm.’

I nodded. It was a good reply.

She didn’t seem to think so. ‘All the same,’ she persisted, ‘can I have your assurance, Jim, that first of all there’ll be a full public enquiry?’

This seemed, I must say, a perfectly reasonable request. ‘Actually,’ I began, ‘there’d be no harm in having a public enquiry, it might be . . .’

Humphrey interjected. ‘The Minister was about to say that there is absolutely no need for a public enquiry. The whole matter has been fully investigated already and a report will be published shortly.’

Humphrey, it seemed to me, was being a little high-handed. Clearly Joan thought so too.

‘Listen,’ she said forcefully, ‘I came here to talk to Jim.’

And Humphrey, as charming as ever, replied, ‘And indeed you are talking to him.’

‘But he’s not answering! You are!’

I could quite see her point. Humphrey’s helpfulness will sometimes achieve the opposite effect from what it is designed to achieve. Unfortunately, he is insensitive to this.

‘The Minister and I,’ continued Sir Humphrey complacently, ‘are of one mind.’