The Constant Rabbit

So Mr Beeton-now-Winston Churchill dutifully took his place behind a wheelbarrow containing forty-six neatly stacked books all carefully sorted by shelf order for ease of return. I nodded to David Lloyd George to acknowledge the last-minute change in the team and she nodded in return as we saw the Sole Librarian approach the front door of the library and then check her watch to make sure she didn’t open a second too early.

This was, in fact, crucial. There were two Herefordshire Library Opening Times Compliance Officers in attendance armed with clipboards and stopwatches, the pair funded at great expense by the Rural Library Strategic Group Vision Action Group, which now employed just under four thousand people, coincidentally the exact same number as the librarians whose continued employment had been deemed incompatible with UKARP’s manifesto pledge.

I checked my watch.

‘Little hand says it’s time to rock and roll.’

The Sole Librarian threw the lock and the door swung open. We moved in with military-style precision, Winston Churchill pushing before him the wheelbarrow of books to be returned while Maggie Thatcher started the stopwatch.

‘Good morning,’ I said to the Sole Librarian.

‘Good morning, Mr Major,’ she returned in a sing-song tone. ‘Will we hit our target today?’

‘As easy as negotiating Maastricht,’ I replied, trying to exude confidence when secretly I felt we would manage returns and loans, but fall short of our renewal and reserves target. The team swiftly moved to their allotted places: Mr Churchill, Mrs Thatcher and Stanley Baldwin went straight to the front desk and presented the books to the Sole Librarian. Within a few seconds a steady thump-thump-thump filled the air, demonstrating that work was very much in progress.

At the same time, David Lloyd George and Neville Chamberlain went rapidly down the aisles transferring the pre-ordered picks to a trolley ready to be brought to the front desk once the returns, extensions and reservations were completed – and once that was done, Mr Baldwin could reshelve the returned books, assisted by Neville Chamberlain.

‘Time check,’ I called.

‘Ninety seconds gone, Mr Major,’ replied Mrs Thatcher.

All seemed to be going well until the Sole Librarian’s stamping abruptly ceased, suggesting a clog in the system, and Neville Chamberlain simultaneously announced that she couldn’t find a copy of Wind, Sand and Stars.

‘Try Aviation, three-eight-seven,’ said the Sole Librarian, her deep knowledge of Dewey classification coming to the fore.

While Neville was dealing with the potential mis-shelving of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, I went to see what the logjam was with returns. The problem was a Code 2-76: Mrs Dibley had kept her copy of Henry Ford and Other Positive Role Models for Disaffected Youth for eighteen weeks longer than the permitted time, and the Sole Librarian was filling out a form for an overdue fine.

‘This lady was clearly not for returning,’ said Mrs Thatcher, indicating the overdue book. I grimaced. The Blitz would be tight, but so far the situation was not irredeemable.

‘How is it going with Wind, Sand and Stars, Mr Chamberlain?’ I called towards the shelves as David Lloyd George pushed the trolley full of picked loans towards the front desk.

‘I have in my hand this piece of paper,’ replied Neville Chamberlain triumphantly, holding aloft the book.

The Sole Librarian shifted from returns to loans, and moved on to the rhythmic thump-thump, thump-thump of the ‘double tap’, one on the library card, one on the date return slip pasted in the front of the book. The next step was reshelving, and by the time Mrs Thatcher called out ‘two minutes remaining’ we were well ahead of ourselves and a sense of ease descended on the small group: we would clear this Blitz with time to spare. I was just placing a copy of the worryingly popular Cecil Rhode’s Greatest Speeches as Spoken by Oswald Mosley in the Talking Book section when I heard a voice from behind me.

‘May I ask a question?’

I stopped dead, for I recognised the voice. It was one I had not heard for a long time, nor had ever thought I would again. A soft yet very distinctive West Country accent, tinged with questioning allure. I turned slowly, unsure of quite what to say or do, and there was Connie, staring at me with the same intensity I remembered from our shared late-night coffees during freshman year at the University of Barnstaple.

‘Sure,’ I said, not knowing whether she recognised me or not.