The Devil's Dictionary

The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor’s Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty’s measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. “What!” said one of his disciples, “you weep at the death of an enemy?” “Ah, ‘tis true,” replied the great Stoic; “but you should see me smile at the death of a friend.”

CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels — the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.

CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.

CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons — including all the assassins — entertain grave misgivings.

CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.

As Death was arising out one day,

Across Mount Camel he took his way,

Where he met a mendicant monk,

Some three or four quarters drunk,

With a holy leer and a pious grin,

Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,

Who held out his hands and cried:

“Give, give in Charity’s name, I pray.

Give in the name of the Church. O give,

Give that her holy sons may live!”

And Death replied,

Smiling long and wide:

“I’ll give, holy father, I’ll give thee — a ride.”

With a rattle and bang

Of his bones, he sprang

From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;

By the neck and the foot

Seized the fellow, and put

Him astride with his face to the rear.

The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell

Like clods on the coffin’s sounding shell:

“Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,

Will ride to the devil!” — and thump

Fell the flat of his dart on the rump

Of the charger, which galloped away.

Faster and faster and faster it flew,

Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew

By the road were dim and blended and blue

To the wild, wild eyes

Of the rider — in size

Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.

Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh

At a burial service spoiled,

And the mourners’ intentions foiled

By the body erecting

Its head and objecting

To further proceedings in its behalf.

Many a year and many a day

Have passed since these events away.

The monk has long been a dusty corse,

And Death has never recovered his horse.

For the friar got hold of its tail,

And steered it within the pale

Of the monastery gray,

Where the beast was stabled and fed

With barley and oil and bread

Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,

And so in due course was appointed Prior.

G.J.

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum — whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum — “I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;” as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

This is a dog,

This is a cat.

This is a frog,

This is a rat.

Run, dog, mew, cat.

Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.

Elevenson

CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.

CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games:

His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to

overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives

they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here

commemorated by his family, who shared them.

In the earth we here prepare a

Place to lay our little Clara.

Thomas M. and Mary Frazer

P.S. — Gabriel will raise her.