The Devil's Dictionary

May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts;

May aches and diseases encamp in their bones,

Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;

May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest,

And tapeworms securely their bowels digest;

May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,

And frequent impalement their pleasure impair.

Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse

Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,

By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors —

The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!

Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin!

Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin,

Avenging the friend whom I couldn’t work in.

K.Q.

COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.

CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.

CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.

An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. “Pauillac, 1873,” he murmured and died.

CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another’s disapproval of a course already decided on.

CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.

In controversy with the facile tongue —

That bloodless warfare of the old and young —

So seek your adversary to engage

That on himself he shall exhaust his rage,

And, like a snake that’s fastened to the ground,

With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound.

You ask me how this miracle is done?

Adopt his own opinions, one by one,

And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath

He’ll sweep them pitilessly from his path.

Advance then gently all you wish to prove,

Each proposition prefaced with, “As you’ve

So well remarked,” or, “As you wisely say,

And I cannot dispute,” or, “By the way,

This view of it which, better far expressed,

Runs through your argument.” Then leave the rest

To him, secure that he’ll perform his trust

And prove your views intelligent and just.

Conmore Apel Brune

CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness.

CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.

CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.

CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder.

Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell,

Our corporal heroically fell!

Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl

And said: “He hadn’t very far to fall.”

Giacomo Smith

CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas.

COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff.

COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.

In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably

figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only

backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the

perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to

avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend

their nature afterward.

Sir James Merivale

CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.

CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

There is a land of pure delight,

Beyond the Jordan’s flood,

Where saints, apparelled all in white,

Fling back the critic’s mud.

And as he legs it through the skies,

His pelt a sable hue,

He sorrows sore to recognize

The missiles that he threw.

Orrin Goof