The Great Ghost Rescue

Before putting him to bed, the Hag had ordered Humphrey most particularly not to become visible until she told him to. But of course if someone tickles your elbow when you are fast asleep you don’t always think what you are doing, and the next second, rubbing his eyes and yawning, Humphrey had become as visible as daylight.

‘What don’t you believe?’ said Humphrey sleepily.

‘But you can’t be. It’s impossible. You can’t be a ghost.’

Humphrey was not a touchy person but this annoyed him. ‘What do you mean I can’t be a ghost? I am a ghost. I’m Humphrey. The Horrible.’

Rick just couldn’t believe his eyes. Yet there it was, sitting on the bed, transparent as air, with a ball and chain on its left ankle, rubbing its eye sockets with skeletal fingers.

‘Who are you?’ asked Humphrey. ‘I suppose you’re a human. A boy?’

‘Sure. I’m Rick.’

‘Just Rick? Not Rick the Revolting or Rick the Repulsive or anything like that?’

‘No. Just Rick Henderson. Rick’s short for Richard. Come to that you’re not so very horrible, are you? I don’t mean to be personal.’

‘I will be later,’ said Humphrey confidently. ‘I’m growing into it. My mother and father are horrible,’ he went on proudly. ‘So are my brother and sister. And my Aunt Hortensia is really disgusting.’

‘Oh,’ said Rick. He still hadn’t got over the fact that a real live – well, a real dead ghost – was sitting on his bed. ‘Are they here too?’

‘Oh yes, they’re all here. We came last night.’

And he began to tell Rick the story of their adventures, beginning with the man who’d put central heating into Night Abbey, going on to the people who’d turned Craggyford into a holiday camp and ending with the poor Shuk who’d been found trying to haunt a coal mine. And as Rick listened he got angrier and angrier. Not just penguins and whales and cannibals were being driven out and made homeless or extinct but ghosts as well.

‘It’s disgusting,’ said Rick when Humphrey had finished. ‘Ghosts have as much right to be around as anybody else. Something must be done.’

‘What?’ asked Humphrey, looking at Rick admiringly. He already thought him incredibly clever.

‘I shall think. Do you suppose I could meet your family?’

‘Of course,’ said Humphrey, gliding over to Maurice Crawler’s bed.

‘My goodness,’ said Rick. From the fat hump which was Maurice’s stomach there rose two huge, black, scaly wings. For a moment they flopped up and down while the Hag did her early morning stretch. Then they parted to show a huge, crooked nose, squinty eyes and masses of black and tangled hair. At the same time, the smell of burnt tripe crept sickeningly into Rick’s nose.

‘This is my mother,’ whispered Humphrey proudly. ‘Mummy, this is Rick.’

‘Pleased to meet you,’ said Rick politely. All the same he couldn’t help being glad he hadn’t met Humphrey’s mother first.

As soon as she was properly awake, the Hag flew up to the ceiling to wake her husband. The Gliding Kilt had fallen asleep across the horns of a large, stuffed gnu. He looked rather peculiar as he began to appear, with his kilt caught on one horn and his sword, which he’d not bothered to take out because he was too tired, dangling downwards from his chest.

‘Where are his legs?’ whispered Rick to Humphrey.

‘He hasn’t got any,’ said Humphrey proudly, and explained about the Battle of Otterburn.

Waking George was a problem because they were afraid he would start to scream at once and disturb the other boys in the dormitory. So they borrowed Rick’s pillow and found George, who had rolled under the bed of a boy called Terence Tinn and put it over him straight away. Winifred, the sensible girl, woke by herself and came gliding down between the beds, not letting out a single wail even though she was longing for a wash and her bowl was being perfectly beastly.

Most of the ghosts managed to pile on to Rick’s bed but the faithful Shuk had to stay on the floor with Aunt Hortensia’s head because the Hag didn’t approve of dogs on the blankets. Though he was getting fond of the ghosts already, the Head gave Rick a bad moment. It never looked very good before breakfast and today, with one eye gummed up and a couple of cockroaches playing hide and seek in its left ear-hole, it really wasn’t very appetizing at all.

‘Where’s the rest of Auntie?’ complained the Hag. ‘Here’s this nice boy going to help us—’

But at that point Hortensia’s large, yellow feet appeared hovering in the air above them. She’d spent the night on a gigantic wardrobe with her phantom coach and came down grumbling that she’d got cramp in her stump.

‘Right. Is that everybody?’ said Rick.

The ghosts nodded.

‘Humphrey has told me that you’ve been turned out of your home,’ Rick went on.

‘That’s right.’

They had forgotten to whisper. Suddenly Maurice Crawler lifted his head, and let out a yell of terror. ‘Things!’ he gabbled. ‘Googly, ghastly things!’

Rick jumped out of bed and went over to him. ‘Do be quiet, Maurice. You’ll wake the others.’