The Mousetrap

PHILIP. (moving to the upstage end of the pergola) I was afraid of missing him.

AMYAS. What’s the big hurry? You saw him yesterday.

PHILIP. (crossly) Since I seem to annoy you, I’ll take myself off.

(PHILIP exits up L, above the pergola. ELSA enters by the door up L, with a pullover draped over her arm)

AMYAS. (looking up) At last! Now, get me some beer, will you. I’m thirsty. What on earth you want with a pullover on a day like this I don’t know. I’m boiling. You’ll be wanting snow boots next, and a hot-water bottle to sit on.

(ELSA drops her pullover on the bench, goes to the trolley and pours a glass of beer)

(He rises, goes down R, turns and looks at his painting) This is the best thing I’ve ever done. (He moves to the painting and bends down to it) Do you think Da Vinci knew what he’d done when he’d finished La Giaconda?

(ELSA crosses with the glass of beer and holds it out over the easel)

ELSA. La—what?

AMYAS. (taking the glass) La Gia—the Mona Lisa, you ignorant bitch—oh, never mind. (He drinks) Pah! It’s warm. Isn’t there a bucket of ice?

ELSA. (sitting on the bench) No. (She takes up her pose)

AMYAS. Somebody’s always forgetting something. (He crosses above the bench and looks off L) I loathe hot beer. (He calls) Hi, Angela!

ANGELA. (offL; calling) What?

AMYAS. Go and get me a bottle of beer from the refrigerator.

(ANGELA enters down L)

ANGELA. Why should I?

AMYAS. Common humanity. (He crosses to his stool) Come on, now, be a sport.

ANGELA. Oh, all right.

(ANGELA sticks her tongue out at Amyas and runs off by the door up L)

AMYAS. Charming little girl. (He sits on his stool) Your left hand’s wrong—up a bit.

(ELSA moves her left hand)

That’s better. (He sips some beer)

(MISS WILLIAMS enters up C and goes on to the terrace)

MISSWILLIAMS. (to Amyas) Have you seen Angela?

AMYAS. She’s just gone into the house to get me some beer. (He paints)

MISSWILLIAMS. Oh.

(MISS WILLIAMS seems surprised. She turns and exits quickly by the door up L. AMYAS whistles as he works)

ELSA. (after a few moments) Must you whistle?

AMYAS. Why not?

ELSA. That particular tune?

AMYAS. (not understanding) What? (He sings) “When we are married, why what shall we do?” (He grins) Not very tactful.

(CAROLINE enters by the door up L, carrying a bottle of beer)

CAROLINE. (moving downC; coldly) Here’s your beer. I’m sorry the ice was forgotten.

AMYAS. Oh, thank you, Caroline. Open it for me, will you? (He holds out his glass)

(CAROLINE takes the glass, crosses to the trolley, and with her back to the audience, opens the bottle and pours the beer. AMYAS begins to whistle the same tune, realizes this, and checks himself. CAROLINE takes the bottle and the glass of beer to AMYAS)

CAROLINE. Here’s your beer.

AMYAS. (taking the glass) And you hope it chokes me. (He grins) Here’s to hoping! (He drinks) Phew, this tastes worse than the other. Still, it is cold.

(CAROLINE places the bottle beside the paintbox, goes into the room and exits up C. AMYAS resumes painting. MEREDITH enters breathlessly down L)

MEREDITH. Is Phil about?

AMYAS. He went to meet you.

MEREDITH. Which path?

AMYAS. Lower one.

MEREDITH. I came by the other.

AMYAS. Well, you can’t go on chasing each other. Better hang on and wait.

MEREDITH. (taking out his handkerchief and wiping his brow) I’m hot. I’ll go inside. It’s cooler. (He crosses to the french windows)