The Schwa Was Here

He stood up and his chair flew out behind him, hitting a stainless-steel table that rang out like a bell. "I hate her! I hate her guts] I hate her hate her hate her!"

Gunther stood and backed away. "Maybe I go finish clean­ing." Since emotional customers weren't his thing, he disap­peared into the meat locker to hide.

Now it wasn't just the Schwa's head that was shaking, it was his whole body. His fists were clenched and quivering, turning white as his face turned red.

"She left me there, and I thought ... I thought it was my fault."

"Calvin, it's all rightl" said Lexie.

"No, it's not! It's never going to be all right! How could it ever be? How could you even say that?"

And suddenly I began to wonder if maybe knowing the truth was the worst thing for him. Maybe I had made the mother of all mistakes, letting him find out. Which is worse, the friend who keeps the truth secret, or the friend that spills the beans? As Gunther would say, "These are questions I cannot answer." Anyway, I didn't want to think about those questions just then. I knew I'd think about them after I got home, and stay up all night thinking about what a moron I was, and maybe I oughta be made of Pisher Plastic myself, for all the sense I have.

Lexie clasped the Schwa's hands, trying to comfort him, and he just broke down like the five-year-old he once was in that shopping cart. "I hate her," he wailed, but his wails were grow­ing softer. "I hate her ..."

I put my hand on his shoulder, and squeezed until I felt his shaking begin to fade. "Welcome to the visible world," I told him, gently. "I'm really glad you're here."

***

We barely spoke once we got back into the car, and although the silence was miserable and uncomfortable, breaking it was harder than you might think. We had the driver drop the Schwa off first, then Lexie, then me, leaving me lots of quality time with myself in the backseat to feel lousy about the whole thing. How could I live with myself if I totally ruined the Schwa's life? What kind of person did that make me? Why did I have to put myself smack in the middle of all of this?

My parents, whose favorite line whenever I showed up late was, "We were about to call the police," had called the police. When Lexie's driver pulled up to my house, there was an NYPD cruiser out front, its lights spinning, sending kaleido­scope flashes around the street, where neighbors all peered out from behind their blinds. Great, I thought. The perfect way to end this night. I thanked the driver, then took a deep breath and strode into the house, hoping to come up with something clever to say. But no brilliance introduced itself at the time, so 1 just walked in, playing clueless, and said, "What's going on?"

The look of despair on my parents' faces was not replaced by fury when they saw me. I wondered why. A cop stood with them between the foyer and the living room. The cop didn't start to wrap everything up when he saw me, either. I won­dered about this, too, and began to get that vague, uneasy feel­ing that maybe they hadn't called the police. Maybe the police came on their own. Then it began to dawn on me that maybe this had nothing to do with me. Suddenly I started to feel my throat begin to tighten, and my skin begin to get hot and squirmy.

"It's Frankie ..." Mom said.

I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to know. Suddenly I was seeing all the things my mother imagines when one of us is late. I saw Frankie lying in a ditch, I saw him splattered over Nos- trand Avenue, I saw him stabbed in an alley. But my parents weren't offering information, so I had to ask.

"What happened to Frankie?"

My parents just looked to each other rather than telling me, so the policeman spoke up instead. "Your brother's been ar­rested for drunk driving."

I let out a gust of air, just then realizing that I hadn't been breathing.

"He wasn't actually driving," added Mom, talking more to the cop than to me. "He backed the car into a duck pond."

"That's driving," the cop reminded her.

I wanted to tell them that it was impossible—that Frankie didn't drink—I mean, he was the good brother, the A student, the perfect son. That's what I wanted to say, but my brain got locked on "stupid," and I said, "Where's there a duck pond in Brooklyn?"

"Is he going to prison?" Christina asked. "Do we have to talk to him through glass?"

"It's his first offense," Dad said. "He'll lose his license for a year, and have to do community service. That's what they gave me when I was his age."

I did a major double take. "You? You mean you got arrested for drunk driving? You never drink and drivel"

"Exactly," Dad said.

Then my mother looked at me, suddenly realizing something. "Where were you? Why are you coming home so late?"