The Servants of Twilight

"Evelyn expected Tony to be a parish priest," Christine told Charlie Harrison." Maybe eventually a monsignor, perhaps even a bishop. Like I said, she had high standards. But when Tony took his vows, he asked to be assigned to missionary work, and he was-in Africa. Mother was so upset! See, in the Church, like in government, the way you usually move up through the hierarchy is largely through astute politicking. But you can't be a constant, visible presence in the corridors of power when you're stuck in some remote African mission. Mother was furious."

The detective said, "Did he choose missionary work because he knew she'd be against it?"

"No. The problem was Mother saw the priesthood as a way for Tony to bring honor to her and the family. But to Tony, the priesthood was an opportunity to serve. He took his vows seriously."

"Is he still in Africa?"

"He's dead."

Startled, Charlie Harrison said, "Oh. I'm sorry. I-"

"It's not a recent loss," she assured him." Eleven years ago, when I was a high school senior, Tony was killed by terrorists, African revolutionaries. For a while Mother was inconsolable, but gradually her grief gave way to a. sick anger. She was actually angry with Tony for getting himself killed-as if he'd run away like my father before him. She made me feel I ought to make up for how Daddy and Tony had failed her. In my own grief and confusion and guilt… I said I wanted to become a nun, and Evelyn… Mother leaped at the idea. So, after high school, at her urging, I entered the convent… and it was a disaster. "

So much time had passed, yet she could still vividly remember the way the novice's habit had felt when she'd first worn it: the unexpected weight of it; the surprisingly coarse texture of the black fabric; the way she had continually caught the flowing skirts on doorknobs, furniture, and everything else that she passed, unaccustomed as she was to such voluminous clothes.

Being trapped within that venerable uniform, sleeping within a narrow stone cubicle on a simple cot, day after day spent within the dreary and ascetically furnished confines of the convent-it all stayed with her in spite of her efforts to forget. Those Lost Years had been so similar to the suffocating life in the Victorian house in Pamona that, like thoughts of childhood, any recollection of her convent days was apt to put pressure on her chest and make breathing difficult.

"A nun?" Charlie Harrison said, unable to conceal his astonishment.

"A nun," she said.

Charlie tried to picture this vibrant, sensuous woman in a nun's habit.

He simply couldn't do it. His imagination rebelled.

At least he understood why she projected an uncommon inner tranquility.

Two years in a nunnery, two years of long daily sessions of meditation and prayer, two years isolated from the turbulent currents of everyday life were bound to have a lasting effect.

But none of this explained why she exerted such an instant, powerful attraction on him, or why he felt like a randy teenager in her company.

That was still a mystery-a pleasant mystery, but a mystery nonetheless.

She said, "I hung on for two years, trying to convince myself I had a vocation in the sisterhood. No good. When I left the convent, Evelyn was crushed. Her entire family had failed her.

Then, a couple of years later, when I got pregnant with Joey, Evelyn was horrified. Her only daughter, who might've been a nun, instead turned out to be a loose woman, an unwed mother.

She piled the guilt on me, smothered me in it."

She looked down, paused for a moment to compose herself Charlie waited.

He was as good at waiting as he was at listening.

Finally she said, "By that time, I was a fallen-away Catholic.

I'd pretty much lost my religion… or been driven away from it.

Didn't go to Mass any more. But I was still enough of a Catholic to abhor the idea of abortion. I kept Joey, and I've never regretted it."

"Your mother's never had a change of heart?"

"No. We speak to each other, but there's a vast gulf between us. And she won't have much to do with Joey."

" That's too bad."

"Ironically, almost from the day I got pregnant, my life turned around.

Everything's gotten better and better since then. I was still carrying Joey when I went into business with Val Gardner and started Wine & Dine.

By the time Joey was a year old, I was supporting my mother. I've had a lot of success, and it doesn't matter at all to her; it isn't good enough for her, not when I could have been a nun, and not when I am an unwed mother. She still heaps guilt on me each time I see her."

"Well, now I can understand why you're sensitive about it."

"So sensitive that. when all this started with the old woman yesterday. well, in the back of my mind I sort of wondered if maybe it was meant to be."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe I'm meant to lose Joey. Maybe it's inevitable. Even.

predestined."

" I don't follow you."