The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"Good news indeed," the duke quavered. "What will your next course of action be?" "A careful one. We were lucky to get out alive, walking into the lion's den like that. We won't let that happen again. This campaign must be planned step by step, run like a military operation. Whenever I, and the marquez, appear in public we are going to be guarded like the crown jewels." "Yes, the crown jewels. What a tragedy. I remember it like yesterday, when Zapilote had just taken office." Yesterday? That was a good hundred and seventy-five years ago! The General-President wasn't the only one on geriatric drugs. "He promised a rule of law and like fools we believed him. I'll guard the crown jewels he said. Never been seen since. Must have sold them, I know his type..." He rambled on some more like this and I tuned out. What was the next step? Getting out of Primoroso and back to the safety of the castle would be a good beginning. But how? I could think of nothing, my mind was empty, my limbs fatigued. I was also half-smashed on the brandy, which might have had something to do with my lack of inspiration. But there must be a special law of destiny that looks after stainless steel rats and other miscreants. Because at that very moment, while I and the duke were both muttering to ourselves through the brandy fumes, salvation was on its way. In the form of a timid knock on the door, repeated again when there was no response.

"Eh, what?" the duke said, rousing from his senile alcoholic revery. "Come in, come in." The door to the study trembled open and the butler, old enough to be the duke's father, stumbled through.

"It is not my wish to disturb Your Grace," he tremoloed in fine imitation of his master, "but today is Thursday." "Is there any particular reason why you are giving me this report on the calendar?" the duke asked, head hobbling in wonderment.

"Yes, Your Grace. You ordered me to inform you of this fact every Thursday at least a half an hour before they arrived." "Merdal" His Grace snarled quite gracefully, his rictus of anger revealing a fine set of artificial white choppers. "They'll be here soon." "They?" I shook my head, feeling I had missed something important.

"Every Thursday. Can't avoid it. Government order. And the fees go against taxes. Tour of noble homes. Filthy offworld tourists trampling through these hallowed halls made sacred by generations ofPenosos..." There was more like this-but I wasn't listening. Tourists! Here! All fatigue and most of the effects of the brandy vanished on the instant. Escape from my predicament had just been offered to me on a gilded platter. The silver bell was on the table and I tinkled it loudly, which brought both the attention of the duke and the return of the butler.

"Do I understand that you will soon have oafish oflworld tourists shambling through this castle?" "Indeed, Sir Hector. What terrible times these are, " "They certainly are. How many will there be in the party?" "There is usually a coach-load from Puerto Azul. Between forty and fifty." "Invasion of proletarians," the duke adumbrated.

"What precautions do you take to see that they don't lift the ducal silver and paw the paintings?" "A number of footmen accompany the party at all times." "Made to order," I chortled, rubbing my hands together briskly as I turned to the duke. "Might I enlist the aid of your staff to assist me in departing this fine castle without drawing any police attention?" "Of course, anything for the next President of ParaisoAqui." He lurched to his feet and placed his hand over his heart, then nodded to the butler who did the same.

"To the next President of Paraiso-aqui," they intoned fervently and I bowed my head at the honor. This little ceremony over with, they were more than ready to help.

"One question first." Their gray heads nodded eagerly. "Is there a secret passage leading out of this castle?" "There is a secret passage leading out of every castle!" the duke said, startled at my ignorance. "Ours comes up in a building across the road. Dug by the third duke. Used to be a brothel there." He smiled faintly, perhaps trying to remember what girls were like.