The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"A landslide, that is what they are predicting. That criminal has terrorized the electorate. They are afraid to vote against him." "I think the answer is really simpler than that. All of his electioneering is just window dressing. He who controls the computer can bring in the final vote any way that he likes. That's why it would have been a waste of time to do any more campaigning." "Then we have lost." "I think perhaps we are going to win. It all depends on how angry Zapilote is. Look-this might be the news that we have been waiting for!" The announcer, a very oily type with a pimp's moustache, was waving a fistful of computer printouts at the camera, while at the same time he was working up a pseudo-enthusiasm.

"This is wonderful, absolutely wonderful. A landslide for our dear General-President. A spontaneous outwelling of loyalty from the people he holds so dear. An affirmation of their faith despite the efforts of wreckers and other vermin to undermine this grateful affection that has grown with the years. Wait-just a moment-yes, the final results have just been handed to me, the results that we all have been waiting for." "You can say that again," I said, then said it again. The announcer smiled greasily and held up a sheet of paper, then lowered it and read from it.

"The results just in from the town of Tortosa, in the Central Region. This town is next to the estate of an individual named de Torres, the so-called Marquez de la Rosa. Charges are being pressed against this malignant individual for defamation of character and treason. But meanwhile his name has remained on the voting machines as a vice-presidential candidate, along with that of a sick deviant called Hector Harapo who is so misguided that he thinks he has a chance of being elected president. But we live in a democracy, ladies and gentlemen, where even the lowest can lust for the highest position. And these two are the lowest, let me tell you. In fact-let me prove it! Figures don't lie." He waved the paper again and I muttered "Get on with it, you cretin." He must have heard me.

"But let us get on with it, the suspense is almost unbearable. In the town of lortosa, where these thugs voted and used dire threats on the happy villagers to make them vote for them, in what they thought was their very own territorythe results are quite amazing. They are... General-President Zapilote... five thousand, three-hundred and twelve. While the vote for the traitors Harapo and de Torres is..." He extended the silence for long seconds, before screaming into the microphone.

"Two! They voted for themselves-and no one else, not a single person voted for them. This is loyalty indeed. The landslide marches on and there is no doubt now that our dear President will be re-elected by acclamation..." "The swine!" de Torres shouted as he kicked the TV set to bits. "We saw them vote, we know how they voted! Lies, just lies!" "Of course," I said. "I wouldn't want it any other way." I thumbed on the command radio at my elbow and Bolivar's voice issued from it. "All ready here." "Then roll it. The results were even better than we expected. " The marquez crunched a few last TV components under foot and looked at me as though I were mad.

"We are going to make a broadcast to the world very soon. Just as soon as the convoy returns..." "Convoy?" "Let me explain. You deserve to hear it before everyone else does. We now have Zapilote exactly where we want him. In his greed for revenge he has played right into our hands!"

Chapter 29

It was only fair to let the marqu6z have the big picture ahead of the rest of the world. He was kicking fitfally at the shattered remains of the r\t. set when I handed him the computer printout.

"The answer to all our problems is right here in the constitution," I said. "Read this." He did, with patient attention, word for word. And as he did so his scowl faded away, to be replaced by a wider and wider grin until, at the very end, he burst into a roar of laughter, hurled the printout away and seized me in a bearlike embrace.

"You are a genius, a genius I say!" I did not want to argue, although I did writhe in his grip and eventually managed to escape, but only after he had kissed me fervently on both cheeks. There are some cultures I will never understand. I was so involved in this little drama that Angelina's voice on the radio was a welcome interruption.