The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"The convoy is on the grounds now and inside the defense perimeter," she said. "The tapes will be here in a few minutes." "Wonderful! The marquez and I will slip into our best uniforms so we can fire the final shot after the recordings are played. " We all gathered in the library before the big projection TV. The interrupter link to the satellites was set up and ready to go at the press of a button-and I held the button in my hand. The camera was pointed at me as I stood beside the bound edition of the planetary constitution, my fingertips resting reverently upon the open page. The TV screen was filled with scenes of repulsive enthusiasm as Zapilote's followers indulged in an orgy of self-congratulation. The sound was turned down to a mutter, since looking at this nonsense was bad enough.

"You can turn that off any time you like," Angelina said.

163 "I can, and I will, because I can't take too much of it either. But the Happy Buzzard himself will be sure to speak, and I would love to break in then. Wait-this could be it! Will someone kindly turn up the sound." The announcer was writhing in an orgasm of pleasure, sweating profusely as he pointed off-camera. "... yes, I do believe it is happening. Pandemonium fills the hall as this celestial being who has sacrificed himself so much in the past does us the honor of running again for head of state. He is stepping forward now, the crowd goes wild, weak women faint and strong men have tears in their eyes. He raises his hand for silence and silence instantly falls, the only sounds now the expectant panting (rf his followers and the thud-thud of a few more women fainting. Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of Paraiso-Aqui, it is my everlasting pleasure to introduce to you General-President Julio Zapilote!" The screen filled with Happy Buzzard's loathsome features, made even more loathsome for being seen on the large screen. The rat-trap mouth chomped a bit before the slimy syllables rattled forth.

"I expected no less from you faithful voters. The election is over and you have done your duty and voted in the correct manner. We have heard the last of that criminal Hector Harapo..." I pressed the button and his image was instantly replaced with mine.

"The last? You treacherous little lying louse, the fight has yet to be joined! Do you think you can cheat the voters of this fair world by dropping their sacred votes out of the bottom of your crooked voting machines in order to substitute your own illegal results? It shall not be so. You are condemned out of your own mouth. Justice will be done! In your greed you have committed the serious crime that will lay you low. The world will now watch as we take you to the little town of Tortosa, The time, as you can see by the clock in the town hall, is just a few minutes after the polls closed earlier today..." My form did a slow dissolve to be replaced by the town square. James was doing the voice-over.

"The polls are now closed and the citizens of Tortosa are gathering to hear the results. For some reason, perhaps because they are Zapilote supporters, the mayor and the chief of police tried to slip out of town a few minutes ago when they thought they were not being watched. The chief of police is still unconscious, but the mayor is dying to talk to us." The mayor looked decidedly unhappy as he faced the camera, but Rodriguez's grim presence at his shoulder guaranteed his cooperation.

"Please tell us. Mister Mayor, was the voting orderly and were all the votes carefully recorded in the voting machine?" "Yes, of course, all was in order." He looked up in concern as the square behind him began to fill with people.

"Will you please tell us, since you are mayor of Tortosa, are these the citizens of your fine town who are gathering here?" "Yes, most of them I suppose. I can't be sure..." "You can't be sure? And you have been mayor-for how long?" "Twenty-two years." "Then you should know these people by sight." "I can't be sure of all of them." "You can't? Will you then point out any strangers?" "There are none that I'm sure of, that I can see." "Well, we must be sure. Ahh, here is the chief of police now. I'm sure that he can help us. Please tell the audience, chief, how long have you lived in Tortosa?" "Well... all my life." Most reluctantly. "Good. Then do you see any strangers here?" He looked around and even more reluctantly said that he didn't.

"Very good," James said. "We are just in time for the big event-the election returns are coming in. As a public service the loudspeakers will be turned on so that everyone present can hear the results." The mayor and the chief of police seemed to shrink inside their clothes when they heard the outcome of the election. When the vote for Tortosa was announced they stirred in panic, but Rodriguez stepped forward and they grew still again. Behind them the good voters of Tortosa roared in protest.