The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"My geriatric shots aren't having the same effect that they used to. I may have to retire one of these days. So I'm thinking of bringing someone along to take my place. And that person is you. How's that for an offer?" He started to cough and had to grope in his pocket for a pill. It was a great offer. On his terms it was incredible indeed. He had built a political machine and had taken over the planet completely. And he was offering me a share in it-and a future of controlling it. It was a magnificent offer. "And what will I have to trade off for this job?" "Don't be stupid. You lose the election. You take a dive. And after that you stay in politics in opposition to me. Everyone thinks that you are the greatest thing since they invented sex, so all the bleeding-heart liberals flock to your cause. You organize them and see that they don't do any harm. Of course you let us know who the real revolutionaries are so we can dispose of them. This system will last a thousand years. It's a deal, right?" "Wrong. And I know that I am going to have a job explaining to you exactly why. You see I believe in the one man one vote system..." "Ha, ha!" "Equality before the law... " "Come off it!" "Free speech, habeas corpus, no taxation without representation ..." "Do you have a fever, Harapo? Just what the hell are you talking about?" "I said that you wouldn't understand. So let me put it on your terms. I want all the loot and I want it now. I want all the money, all the power, all the women. I intend to kill anyone who gets in my way. Do you understand?" Zapilote sighed and nodded . his head and snuffled. "I'm an old man and I get emotional when I hear talk like that. Reminds me of me at your age. I need you on my team, Harapo. Say you'll join me!" "I'll kill you first." "Really wonderful. Just what I would have done." He turned and climbed slowly back into the car. Before he closed the door he looked at me again, sighed and shook his head. "I can't wish you good luck. But I can say that meeting you has been a great emotional experience. I know that after I go my work will be carried on by someone who understands me, who thinks like I do." The door slammed and I signaled for the return of the other two men. I watched as they climbed in, then drove away.

"What was all that about?" Bolivar asked.

"He offered me the world. A partnership now, and the whole works after he was dead." "You said yes?" "My dear son! I may be a crook but I'm not a criminal. It's the Zapilotes in this universe who have to go. The little men with the big contempt for mankind. I may rob a man of his wealth but I would never take away his life or his freedom. In fact I don't rob people of their wealth. I rob corporations, companies, those bloated and insensate creatures that lock up nllT. ~UPll~ "Dad-I've heard the lecture." "Right. Let's get back to the castle. I want to wash my hands and get a drink. I don't like the company I have just been keeping."

Chapter 31

I was up at the crack of dawn on election day, breathing deeply of the morning air just as the sun popped over the horizon.

"Aren't we being energetic so early?" Angelina said, opening one eye to look at the clock, and not liking what she saw.

"This is not the time for slugabeds! History is being made today-and I'm the one who is making it." "I can't face all that ego so early in the morning." She pulled the blankets over her head. "Go away," she muffled.

I hummed happily to myself as I trotted down the stairs. The marqu6z was breaking his fast on the patio and I joined him there.

"History is being made today," he said.

"I just said the same thing myself." We raised our coffee cups and drank a toast to victory. Bolivar and James soon joined us, and by the time the polls opened at nine we were already in contact with our teams in the field.

Within three minutes we had a dozen cries for help. Our poll watchers were being beaten up, two of them had been shot, and four fake voting registers had been discovered. I had expected no less. We did what we could, but our forces were small and thinly spread. And the decision had already been taken to concentrate our strength on the large cities. Our most important weapon was the oflworld newsmen. When word of the canceled and fraudulent election had gone out to the planets, great interest had been aroused. A few of the big planetary networks had sent their reporters, but most of them had not had the time to make the arrangements. Therefore most of the newsmen were freelancers, forty-three of them in all.