Way of the Wolf: Straight Line Selling: Master the Art of Persuasion, Influence, and Success

The best handshake for getting into a rapport with someone is called the cooperator’s handshake, which is your basic, neutral handshake, where you meet someone’s hand head-on. You’re not above them or below them; you’re even with them, and you return the same pressure they give to you. It’s part of an overall rapport-building strategy called matching, which has to do with entering a prospect’s world and being where they are. (More on this later.) However, in this context, matching means that if someone shakes your hand firmly, then you should shake theirs just as firmly—up to a point. I mean, you don’t want to get into a squeeze-off with somebody, where they shake your hand really hard, so you try to shake theirs even harder, to which they shake yours even harder, and then you try to outdo them again. You don’t want to be like, “Okay, big shot! I’ll show you!” You’re better off letting them out-squeeze you a bit, while you maintain good, solid eye contact, so they know they haven’t intimidated you.

Speaking of eye contact, here’s an interesting fact: if you don’t make eye contact at least 72 percent of the time, people won’t trust you. There have been detailed studies on this stuff, and 72 percent is the number. You can look it up online. Anything more, and you risk getting into a stare-off with somebody.

The magic number is 72 percent. It’s enough to show that you care and that you’re engaged in the conversation, but it’s not too much. Basically, it’s not so much that you look like you have something to prove.

One more thing about body language: watch the position of your arms. Someone who crosses their arms can be communicating that they are closed to new ideas. Arm positioning is one of the most basic elements of body language—being open versus being closed—and it’s obviously very easy to spot.

Now, just because someone’s arms are crossed doesn’t mean that they’re definitely closed to new ideas. They might just be cold, for all you know. Of course, if I had a choice, I’d want my prospect’s arms in an open position versus closed. All things being equal, it does usually mean that someone’s more open to your ideas. But I definitely wouldn’t take it as the ultimate sign.

When you pay attention to body language, you’ll notice something fascinating. If I’m sitting in front of you with my arms crossed, and then uncross them, you will likely do the exact same thing—without even realizing it. It’s not some kind of Jedi mind trick. It’s called pacing and leading. It’s the next level up from matching, which is what I spoke about before when we were talking about handshakes. With pacing and leading, you’re basically kicking it up a notch, by pacing them, pacing them, and then leading them in the direction that you want them to go. When it’s done right, it’s an immensely powerful strategy, and it works with both tonality and body language.

Active Listening and the Art of Matching

Before we dive more deeply into pacing and matching, let’s discuss another important concept: active listening. This is a way of listening to someone that helps you actually build rapport with them. One of the greatest misconceptions about tonality and body language is that they only come into play while you’re the one doing the talking. In fact, how you move your body, the facial expressions you make, how you smile, and all those little grunts and groans you make as someone’s talking to you—those are all part of the technique I call active listening, and it’s a powerful way to get into a rapport with someone.

Let’s start with something as simple as nodding your head while your prospect is speaking. When you nod your head, it shows that you get what that person is saying; that you’re on the same page. The same thing goes for facial expressions, like when your prospect starts talking about something that’s very important to them. You want to look straight into their eyes, with your own eyes narrowed a bit, and with your mouth crooked to the side. Then you add an occasional nod, along with a few ahas! and yups! and I got its!

Now, if that was my body language while you were explaining your problems to me, what would you think about me? Would you think that I was really listening to you? That I truly cared?

Yes.