White Oleander

I thought how easily you could kill yourself when you were drunk. Take a bath, fall asleep, drown. No turtle would come floating by to rescue you, no spotter plane would find you. I took my mother's knife and played johnny johnny johnny on the playhouse floor. I was drunk, stabbed myself every few throws. I held my hand up and there was satisfaction at seeing my blood, the way there was when I saw the red gouges on my face that people stared at and turned away. They were thinking I was beautiful, but they were wrong, now they could see how ugly and mutilated I was.

 

I pressed the knife to my wrist, drew it softly across, imagining how it would feel, but I knew that wasn't the way. You opened the vein from top to bottom. You had to consider the underlying structure.

 

What was the underlying structure of this, that's what I needed to know: Joey Bishop singing "Jingle Bell Rock," poets sleeping in cots bolted to walls, and beautiful women lying under men who ate three dinners in a row. Where children hugged broken-necked giraffes and cried, or else drove around in plastic Barbie cars, and men with missing fingers longed for fourteen-year-old lovers, while women with porn-star figures cried out for the Holy Spirit.

 

If I could have one wish, Jesus, it was to let my mother come get me. I was tired of sucking the sails. Tired of being alone, of walking and eating and thinking for myself. I wasn't going to make it after all.

 

Slivers of light escaped through the shutters of Olivia's house. No men tonight. They were home with their good wives or girlfriends. Who wanted a whore on Christmas?

 

Oh Christ. I'd been spending so much time with Marvel, it was starting to rub off. Next thing I knew I'd be making racist jokes. Olivia was Olivia. She had some nice pieces of furniture and some clocks, a rug and a stuffed parrot named Charlie, while I had some books and a box, and a torn cashmere sweater, a poster of animal turds. Not that much different. Neither of us had much, when you got down to it.

 

So I went next door. Nobody would notice tonight. Her yard smelled of chives. I knocked, heard her footsteps. She opened the door. The expression of shock on her face reminded me she hadn't seen me since November.

 

She pulled me inside and locked the door. She was wearing a silver-gray satin nightgown and peignoir. She 'd been listening to the music I'd heard that first night, the woman with tears in her voice. Olivia sat on the couch and tugged at my hand but I resisted her. She could hardly look at me. Scarface, the kids said. Frank N. Stein.

 

"Good God, what happened?"

 

I wanted to think of something clever, something cool and sarcastic. I wanted to hurt her. She'd let me down, she'd abandoned me. She didn't think twice. "Where were you?" I asked.

 

"England. What happened to your face?"

 

"Did you have a good time in England?" I picked up the CD box on the table, a black woman with a face full of light, white flower behind her ear. She sang something sad, about moonlight through the pines. Billie Holiday, it said. I could feel Olivia staring at my face, the scars on my arms where my sleeves crept up. I wasn't beautiful anymore. Now I looked like what I was, a raw wound. She wouldn't want me around.

 

"Astrid, look at me."

 

I put the box down. There was a new paperweight, grainy French blue with white raised figures. It was heavy and cool in my hand. I wondered what she'd do if I dropped it on the stone tabletop, let it go smash. I was drunk but not drunk enough. I put it down. "Actually, it's a dog's world. Did you know that? They do anything they want. It was my birthday too. I'm fifteen."

 

"What do you want, Astrid?" she asked me quietly, beautiful as always, still elegant, that smooth unbroken face.

 

I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted her to hold me, feel sorry for me. I wanted to hit her. I wanted her not to know how much I needed her, I wanted her to promise never to go away again.

 

"I'm so sorry."

 

"You aren't really," I said. "Don't pretend."

 

"Astrid! What did I do, go out of town?" Her pink palms were cupped, what was she expecting, for me to fill them? With what? Water? Blood? She smoothed her satin skirt. "It's not a crime. I'm sorry I wasn't here, okay? But it's not like I did something wrong."

 

I sat down on the couch, put my feet on the coffee table among the antiques. I felt like a spoiled child, and I liked it. She shifted toward me on the couch, I could smell her perfume, green and familiar. "Astrid, look at me. I am sorry. Why can't you believe me?"

 

"I don't buy magic. I'm not one of your tricks. Look, you got something to drink? I want to get really drunk," I said.

 

"I was going to have a coffee and cognac, and I'll let you have a small one."