White Oleander

THE NEW Beverly Cinema was right around the corner from her house. They were playing King of Hearts and Children of Paradise, and we bought a giant popcorn and laughed and cried and laughed at each other crying. I used to go there all the time with my mother, but the movies were different. She didn't like weepy films. She liked to quote D. H. Lawrence: "Sentimentalism is the working off on yourself of feelings you haven't really got." Hers were grim European films — Antonioni, Bertolucci, Bergman — films where everybody died or wished they had. Claire's movies were lovely dreams. I wanted to crawl inside them, live in them, a pretty mad girl in a tutu. Gluttonous, we went back and saw them again the next night. My heart felt like a balloon that was filling too full, and I panicked. I might get the bends, the way scuba divers did when they surfaced too fast.

 

At night I lay awake in my bed with the white eyelet ruffle, looking at the Dürer rabbit. It was bound to turn wrong. Joan Peeler was going to tell me it was just a mistake, that they'd changed their minds, they wanted a three-year-old. They'd decided to wait another couple of years. I worried about Claire's husband. I didn't want him to come home, take her away from me. I wanted it to always be like it was, the two of us in the living room eating pate de foie gras and strawberries for dinner and listening to Debussy records, talking about our lives. She wanted to know all about me, what I was like, who I was. I worried, there wasn't really much to tell. I had no preferences. I ate anything, wore anything, sat where you told me, slept where you said. I was infinitely adaptable. Claire wanted to know things like, did I like coconut soap or green apple? I didn't know. "No, you have to decide," she said.

 

So I became a user of green apple soap, of chamomile shampoo. I preferred to have the window open when I slept. I liked my meat rare. I had a favorite color, ultramarine blue, a favorite number, nine. But sometimes I suspected Claire was looking for more than there was to me.

 

"What was the best day of your life?" she asked me one afternoon as we lay on the free-form couch, her head on one armrest, mine on the other. Judy Garland sang on the stereo, "My Funny Valentine."

 

"Today," I said.

 

"No." She laughed, throwing her napkin at me. "From before."

 

I tried to remember, but it was like looking for buried coins in the sand. I kept turning things over, cutting myself on rusty cans, broken beer bottles hidden there, but eventually I found an old coin, brushed it off. I could read the date, the country of origin.

 

"It was when we were living in Amsterdam. A tall thin house by the canal. There was a steep twisted staircase, and I was always afraid of falling." Dark green canal water and rijsttafel. Water rats as big as opossums. The thick smell of hashish in the coffeehouses. My mother always stoned.

 

"I remember, it was a sunny day, and we ate sandwiches of raw hamburger and onions, standing up at a corner cafe, and my mother sang this cowboy song: 'Whoopee ti yi yo, git along little dogies.'" It was the only memory I had of Amsterdam being sunny.

 

Claire laughed, a sound like bells, drew her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around them, gazing at me in a way I could have bottled and stored like a great wine.

 

"We sat in the sun overlooking the canal, and she said, 'Look, Astrid, watch this.' And she waved at the people passing by on a glass sightseeing boat. And all the passengers waved back. They thought we were Dutch, see, welcoming them to our city. That was my best day." The sun and the herring gulls and all those people waving, thinking we were from there, that we belonged.

 

At the other end of the couch, Claire sighed, unfolding her legs, smiling nostalgically. She didn't see who I had been then, a thin, lonely child, warmed by the mistaken thought that I belonged. She saw only the childish fun.

 

"You've been everywhere, haven't you."    •

 

I had, but it hadn't done me much good.

 

THE DAY Ron was expected home from Nova Scotia, Claire threw out all the take-out packages, cleaned the kitchen, and did three loads of laundry. The house was fragrant with cooking and Emmylou Harris sang something about bandits in Mexico. Claire had rubber gloves on, she was pulling meat off a chicken that was still hot, wearing a red-and-white-checked apron and lipstick. "I'm making paella, what do you think of that?"

 

It made me anxious. I liked the way it was, we'd settled into a routine, and now it was being thrown off by the part I didn't yet know, the part that could change everything for me. Already I resented her husband, and I hadn't even met him. But I vacuumed the living room, helped her make their bed with fresh sheets printed with falling roses, red and white. "Red and white are the marriage colors," Claire explained.