You Don't Know Me

In fact those three days felt like three weeks. Every second seemed to stretch out so that you could fit a hundred thoughts into every one. Thinking was the thing we did mainly. Nobody spoke if they didn’t have to. It was like if you did, you somehow were bringing Jamil into the room. It was bad enough he was in my head twenty-four seven. All taped up. Covered in bleach and powder and bin liners, sitting by those bins like a sack of cement. But I couldn’t bring him into the room. None of us could.

Nothing in those three days had any, like, innocence to it. If someone switched the TV on it was like we were looking for news. If anyone went for a shower it was like they were washing the blood off. Even the washing up felt like we were doing some wrong shit. It was like the more we were skirting round it the more it just came up and slapped you in the face. Once it just got too much and I came right out with it.

Curt and Ki were sitting with the TV on. No one was watching it really, it was just background. Ki was looking like someone had died. Which weren’t really surprising but I couldn’t handle seeing her like that.

‘It ain’t your fault Ki,’ I say into the air.

‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ she says staring at the TV.

‘It could just as easily have been me.’

‘But it wasn’t you. It was me,’ she says turning to look at me.

‘Yeah but what I’m saying is it could have been. And at the end of the day he pulled out a gun and if you do that you got to be prepared to be shot.’

‘Is it really that easy for you?’ she says, eyes blazing in her pale face.

‘For real. I’d have shot him if I had to.’

‘But you didn’t. I did. And you haven’t even asked me why I shot him.’

‘I don’t care why. He deserved it.’

‘It’s all so black and white for you isn’t it?’ she says standing up. ‘It isn’t for me. A man is dead because of me.’

‘Nah, Ki. A man is dead because of him.’

‘I killed him though. Do you understand that? That’s the bottom line.’

‘It ain’t that black and white either though is it?’ I say standing up too and taking hold of her elbows to pull her near.

‘No it’s not,’ she says breaking free, but the heat is all gone from her voice suddenly, ‘but you don’t seem to believe in grey areas.’

I start getting angry now myself. I don’t understand why she thinks like this. ‘Why though? Why didn’t he deserve to die? Did Curt deserve to die when he was going to shoot him?’

‘That’s my point. Nobody deserves to die for what they done. They might deserve something but not that,’ she says slumping back into the sofa. She pulls her bare knees into her chin and closes her eyes.

‘So then what did he deserve? What did he deserve for all that crack that he’s been pushing on people? Slapped arse?’

‘Fuck you,’ she says softly as if her battery is all but dead.

‘Nah, Ki. Fuck you. He never paid for that shit that he did. Now he’s paid.’

It stayed pretty tense after that. Truth be told we were all winding each other up. It was too small a flat for that many people to be living in twenty-four seven. Let alone after one of them had just killed someone.

So when the day came to leave the house, we were all relieved in a way. We were on edge, true, but we would still rather have been out. The shit was just claustrophobic.

We still hadn’t really heard anything about the murder, just rumours really but no police and nothing on the news. Anyway Ki had booked an early morning flight so there was less risk of being spotted just in case.

Ki woke me and Curt up with some coffee and then put some toast under our noses for breakfast. But it was early, man, and besides no one was in no mood to eat really. The bags were already packed and waiting all fat by the front door ready to be picked up. We had decided that we would leave the cash with me for now since they couldn’t exactly take it as hand luggage. Later on when they had settled down we would think about how we could maybe get it over. The best we could come up with was that maybe I could send money over to them like Mum did with her fam back in Nigeria, through one of them money shop places. A bit at a time until some better idea came to us. Ki looked it up and it seemed like we could send something like two grand over without any questions.

When they were dressed and ready they both gave me this look like maybe they wouldn’t see me again. Even though I was going with them to the airport, Curt gave me a giant’s hug and says simply, ‘Bruv, soon.’ I swear down I nearly start crying but then I turn to look at Ki. She just has jeans and a sweatshirt on but she looks so clean and beautiful that it makes me die on the inside for a reason I can’t understand. I look at her hard and try and remember what she looks like right then so I can keep it with me and bring it when I need it.

‘Ki,’ I goes and then she runs up, squeezes me tight and starts sobbing. She cries and cries till my shirt is wet at the neck. If I could have carried her out of there and away to somewhere secret, trust, I would have.